Love Better & Life Better
Love Better is a safe and loving space where we talk about the real, raw parts of relationships. I’m Shazmeen, and in this podcast, I’ll be sharing my own story and the lessons I’ve learned about attachment styles, relationship healing, and self love. We’ll talk about how attachment styles shape the way we connect, the struggles of addiction your fearful or dismissive avoidant partner may have to pornography or other levels they numb feeling away, what happens when intimacy fades in sexless relationships, and how losing touch with our inner child can impact how we love. You will walk away with lessons and tools to improve your current relationships, walk away from ones that no longer serve you and learn how to build new relationships from a place of secure foundations. We will break down anxious attachment, secure attachment, fearful avoidant attachment and dismissive attachment and the deep role our attachment styles play in the way we intimately relate to others and ourselves. The key will be to grow to be more securely attached. But most importantly, I’ll be here offering support, kindness, and compassion as we explore how to heal these wounds. My hope is that through these conversations, you’ll feel seen, heard, and empowered to rebuild the love and connection you deserve—starting with yourself. I wanted to create a podcast that felt like you are talking and listening to a friend. One that cares deeply for your ability to love better. We will dive deep into how our attachment styles hold a foundation for a lot of the decisions we make. You will gain an insight into your "why's" and learn from a place of no judgement. You will learn how to communicate better, resolve challenges and handle conflict from a new perspective. I hope you enjoy listening to this podcast whilst on a walk, jog, in the tub or taking yourself on a date. Lets get vulnerable together and as we heal remember we can love better. NO more blaming, critiquing and shaming yourself and your partner.
Life better is a segment that drops every Thursday and will teach you self mastery, mastering emotions and how to take responsibility of your life. I will give you tools you can use weekly to grow into the version of "self" you are born to be.
Love Better & Life Better
How To Turn Your Pain Into Purpose
There comes a moment—quiet, breaking, raw—when pain invites us to become someone new. This episode is for the part of you that’s tired of carrying silent wounds and is ready to do something meaningful with them.
I’m not here to tell you to “get over it.” I’m here to walk with you through it. In today’s conversation, we explore how your heartbreak, your losses, your betrayals... might actually hold the blueprint to your transformation.
We’ll talk about the hidden strength that suffering awakens, how pain can become your deepest teacher, and what it truly means to rise—not in spite of what broke you, but because of it. This is not about bypassing your feelings. It's about honoring them and letting them fuel your healing.
If you’ve ever felt like your story is too messy to be turned into something beautiful—this one’s for you.
✨ Connect with me & I would love to read your letter on the next show:
Email: shazmeen@shazmeenbank.com
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Website: www.shazmeenbank.com
Please subscribe and help me reach more people that need guidance in their relationships.
Shazmeen Bank (00:00)
I'm really excited about life better because it had me thinking that if we're supposed to love better, then we need to be able to factor ourselves into
the word relationship because the most important one to have is the one that we have with ourselves. But a lot of the times we get so focused on the relationship, the intimate relationship, wanting to build that perfection, wanting to show up with that perfection that we really sometimes forget that as a human being, we are whole, are
in pain, we are having to let go of suffering, we are in need of creating identities, we are also going through life just as an individual outside of an intimate relationship. And so it had me really thinking as I've been doing love better for the past two months now I started
on the 14th of March. And I just kept thinking, how do I make this podcast better? How do I serve more? How do I give more to people that are listening? And I realized that the most important part of love better is life better. If I can learn to put myself first, if I can learn to appreciate who I am, if I can learn to value myself, if I can honor
my self worth. If I can step into a light and a power and a grounding that makes me feel so excited about life and showing up and I'm the best version of myself then I'm going to end up being the best version for my intimate relationships and that means whether I stay in an intimate relationship or I now have the courage and the strength to leave
Thursday's episodes are dedicated to giving you a task that you will enjoy working on between Thursday and Monday's Love Better podcast drop. Between Thursday and Monday, you get to just focus on yourself. And then when Love Better drops the episode on Monday, you get to move into focusing in a better mind space.
in better heart space and in a better soul space on how to be able to give to your intimate relationships. So while I was obviously working on myself this week because I've been through some really really crazy life changes in the last two years and one of the things I realized I had to do also in the last two years was something that I had never been comfortable with.
and that was being self-full. That was focusing the light on myself and knowing that I too deserved my own love, that I too deserved my attention, that I had formed an identity that was now causing me pain. And that pain is fine because we can learn to go through pain and sit in pain. But when pain
became suffering in my own life, I said absolutely not. No more. I don't want to get attached to the story that this suffering brings me. And what I liked about where I was, was in particular I did not share with anyone except a few very close people to me what I was going through. Which sort of did not allow me to really fulfill.
all my needs through that story. But my body did get comfortable and I did not realize it with the safety of the pain I was in. You see, pain is really comfortable and that's the truth about it. It hurts but we get comfortable and safe in the pain that we know because I rather work with the pain I'm aware of
the pain I know my limitations around, the pain I can sort of put my arms around and grasp, the pain I know that I can cry to and I know exactly when to stop and when my body's done, versus the pain that I'm terrified of and that pain's uncertainty. What's on the other side of the pain I really cannot control? What's on the other side of the pain
I do not know about. And the other side of that pain is absolute fear. And when I digest that fear and I think about what that fear really is, it's me needing to grow, which is you needing to grow as well, but we don't have the guidance on how to do that. How do you grow in an area that you cannot control and you cannot see?
And a lot of the times when we are in a pain that's very familiar, we know how to navigate it. We know how to make ourselves live through it. But what becomes too painful is when that pain stops being a lesson that pushes us to grow. And when that pain becomes way too comfortable to stay in. And when we stop to suffer.
because pain is inevitable and then suffering becomes a choice and when we choose to suffer we create an identity around that suffering and then for some people who ever will listen to our stories and whoever gasps and goes my god and that should have never happened to you and poor you we start to get seen
holding onto a story of pain. And we actually forget that on the other side of that, when we push through the resistance of that pain, there's a powerful room for growth. And that growth is not only for you. That growth is so that you can serve people around you. And that was one of the biggest
Realizations I personally also had in the last two years. I took a massive, massive step back from serving and helping. And that was okay for me because I knew that I had never been self-full. I had never focused on myself. I was always out there making sure anyone and everyone was okay and people shouldn't suffer. But when I took
all that focus with the literal energy I had while going through whatever it was I was going through, I knew I needed to really come out as the best version of myself. And my beautiful son, Gibran, who's 20 years old, ⁓ he actually wrote me one of the most beautiful Mother's Day cards this year. And he said to me,
The skies are yours. They're yours for the taking. And he told me that I hope you get comfortable with how tough this season is going to be for you. Because eagles, they don't soar the skies without going through a lot of pain and a lot of change when they are done, when they are satiated.
having been in a certain place in their lives. And it kind of brings me to tears. I really wish I could actually jump out and grab the card. can see it. But his essence of that card was, Mom, you are going to go through so much uncertainty and you're going to have to do that as an eagle because that's who I think you are and that's who I know you are. You're my freaking hero.
And that's what I think of you listening or watching this episode right now. You're a freaking hero. You own the skies. And we gotta work towards becoming our best selves, stepping into our best selves and owning our best selves. But eagles, they gotta hit their own beaks off. They gotta bang it on a rock and cause pain to themselves knowing that
Once they do that, the next time they have to feed, it will be sharper, better, and they will be stronger. They have to pluck every single feather off their body. They have to take off their claws. They've got to sort of hibernate into this high mountain and trust the process of what their instinct tells them to do.
after having been king or queen of the skies for a number of years. And they could go up in that mountain or they could retire earlier. But that's the thing about the Eagles is they have this drive. They know that when they seem tired and they are not soaring the skies and
owning the skies the way that they should, that there's a solution and that solution's not going to be nice. That solution's not going to be a joy and in fact that solution requires me to do it on my own and to do it solo. And I love the power of that.
Because remember you can turn around right now and be this incredible eagle in your life and you could have been going through so much pain but you're not going to suffer through that pain. You're going to take that pain and you're going to sit on your own and figure out what is life calling off you? What is on the other side of fear? What does this familiar pain bring you into your life right now?
And if you pulled out a journal right now and you made a list of what is this pain serve me in? Where am I comfortable with this pain? So let's say I'm in a relationship that I know is unbelievably abusive, unbelievably not right for me, does not create an environment that has me growing and seeing myself in a beautiful way.
In fact, it just has me so focused on how to serve them and get this relationship to the next level and then I can pay attention to myself.
And in that, you know that you can soar the skies of that pain. You know it inside out. What's on the other side of it that you've been avoiding? What steps are you so scared of taking? So what does that familiar pain bring you in your life? It brings you certainty because you know how to handle that pain.
You do know how they're going to treat you. Whether you like it or not, your body has become comfortable and has sat in discomfort off some of those really hurtful environments. Even though you might run away from them and you might need a break from them, you've still trained your nervous system to be able to live in that environment, to survive in that environment. Because you know it so well.
In fact, let's be honest, and if you're watching this podcast right now, let's be honest with the fact that
And that pain has you feel yourself so deeply and it has you connect to yourself. But I'm going to start challenging you Thursday in and Thursdays out to find a new comfort and a new deliciousness to pain. And that's going to be pain we're uncertain about, pain we are fearful to walk through.
that we don't even know exists on the other side of walking away from some of the comfortable pain we're in right now. But you know what? We're going to do this together. I got you and you got me. And we're literally going to start life-ing better. So when I was sitting this week, I was feeling very overwhelmed for the last two weeks because I personally just felt like I had a lot on my plate work-wise.
thought wise and again future wise that I felt I was feeling terrified about. I didn't have all the pieces of the puzzle put together and I started to think about oh my god when I was 18 years old and I had to make a decision to have this gorgeous baby within a week I made a decision got married moved homes
let go of this opportunity to go to university. However, I did get a PhD in MH which is motherhood. You cannot touch that. But I was young and I had self-confidence and I believed in myself and I was assertive and I was strong. Even in the most terrifying moments of my life when my family
couldn't be a part of that for me when I had disappointed and hurt everyone around me by getting pregnant and not fulfilling their dreams of wanting to see me become somebody. Right now, I love that I became the mother that I was. I wouldn't ever trade that for the world. The life lessons I have gotten from giving birth to my best friend and the grace God gave me to grow up with him has been
profound. The lessons from that profound. But I stepped into an uncertainty with almost a cape on my tiny little 18 year old shoulders. And I just knew I would fly. So why is it then with time and experiences we lose sight of the cape that we do have and we cower in the midst of
so much suffering. And we forget that we have the ability to say no more, not another day, I am fed up, I am absolutely done. And there are places in your life you have done that. You've done that with a job, you did that with a relationship, you probably did that with your diet, you did that with getting into the gym and moving your body, you probably did that with health.
If there was a medical scare where you turned around and said, I'm not living this way anymore. I'm going to take control of my life. And I am satiated with this problem and this loop. And there are four delicious steps to change that I'm going to take you through. The first one was satiation. But before that, I want to actually read you something that I wrote when I decided.
three days ago that I am absolutely done worrying about the future and how I'm gonna figure it out. All of that still awaits me. All of that still is going to either be a weight on my shoulders or it's going to be something I unpack. And if I'm gonna unpack it, it's gonna have a freaking awesome bow on it. I'm going to like the box and I'm going to show up.
to unpacking whatever life is about to give me with freaking strength and grit and the faith that I have God on my side and the faith that I have myself and my ability and God has gifted me health. And I'm gonna do this. So I wanna read to you something I wrote on Monday, 24th of May and it was this simple.
I made a decision which I would love for you to make as well. I would love for you to make a decision today to pull out a journal and make a decision going forward about something in your life or some things in your life or how you're about to tackle life. And this is how I decided on Monday to tackle life. I made a decision.
to no longer live for certainty. I made a decision that I will show up one day at a time as the best version of myself. And I will serve myself and those around me for that day to be the best of my capacity. I will be the best of what I can and who I can be for that day.
I know I have a gallon of capacity. I know God has me. So I'm out of my own way and I'm now stepping into my own life. And if you're watching the podcast, literally it's right there. That's I wrote in my journal and I felt really great. I embodied that decision. I felt that decision in my body.
It sat with me. It moved into my core. And I felt, know what? All I can do is show up every single day to life. As my best version, I will give work the best of myself. I will strive the best I can. And whatever I could not achieve on that day, that's fine. I know when I go to bed at night, I showed up as
my best self to the people around me, to loving myself, to loving my work, to serving people like you, to growing, to making things better. So the four steps of change guys that we're looking at for this week. Number one, we get satiated, we get bored, we get disgusted with focusing on problems. They are always going to be there. They are not going anywhere.
But when we get fed up and we get satiated with living at that sort of a level that doesn't allow us to grow, then we have another choice which we can move into step 2 which is we can be dissatisfied with our lives. We can sit there and list everything that we are dissatisfied with and we can note that we are unhappy with where we are.
and we can acknowledge it. And instead of living in a place of sorrow and depression and emotions that are not serving us to create the life we need and make the decisions we need to make for our best selves, we then move into step three, which is we reach a threshold and you're satiated, you are dissatisfied with where you are in your life, and then you reach this threshold.
and you say no more enough I'm freaking done. I cannot live this way anymore. I cannot be told to this way anymore. I will not tolerate the job I have. I'm not going home with this paycheck anymore. No one is going to tell me what my worth is at the end of the month anymore. And then in brackets, let's have a plan.
Cause you're creative, you're brilliant, you can do anything you want. Back to no one is gonna tell me what I'm worth at the end of every month anymore. I'm not going to bed miserable and upset in my relationships anymore. Either I'm taking a step back or I'm taking a step forward. And then that takes you into the fourth step. And this is the step of change. It is
an insight or realization you end up having. And you can hold on to problems because they give you certainty. You can be certain these problems give you significance. They make you feel important. They make you feel special. They make you feel different. They make you feel like you have meaning to life. They give you an insight that gives the meaning to your life something
profound for you because it gets attention from people around you. And you can be in a place where you can decide that with this realization, I'm going to make decisions now that I'm going to end up reclaiming my life. I'm going to move away from living the life I've lived where my problems
have been comfortable and I have a small window. We all have a small window. When we realize we're satiated, dissatisfied and we reach a threshold, we have a small window to be able to walk through with an insight that says these problems make me feel important but I'm going to make a decision now to reclaim my life and my purpose. And in that you end up dropping the stories
You step in and you start to reclaim your real purpose. Which means if you don't step into this opening right now, you are not listening to this episode by chance. You've been called. Your energy's called it because you are fed up. And you don't step into this change right now. You're going to go through a loop again because that window is going to close.
You're going to go right back into the comfort zone of being satiated in your pain. And then you're going to be dissatisfied and you're going to go through that whole pattern again. You're going to cause yourself suffering. And sometimes we're terrified to jump through this beautiful opening because it's dark, it's uncertain. We rather the devils we know on the other side because we've learned how to
be around them or be invisible around them instead of the devils we no longer want to have in our life which is on the other side. On the other side you get to choose who sits at your table. On the other side you get to make a decision about how you show up in life. On the other side you get to take all the pain you've been through and you get to turn it into a story.
that serves others as well. And that's when you know you're moving past who you are. So you stop giving yourself a way to keep going back into the past. You stop the safety of knowing familiar pain and you choose to go forward and you choose a new safety. And the thing with the new safety is you get to create that new safety. So on that,
I have a task for you today. And the task is you are going to pull out your journal or a piece of paper and I want you to hand write a goodbye letter. I want you to write a letter to your old self. And I want you to first thank that part of your beautiful self.
that showed up to life. I want you to thank that part of yourself that truly saw who you were and stood for who you were. And I want you to tell that part of yourself that you are giving it a chance to retire because it has served you immensely. But there are different parts of you that want to grow. And there are different parts of you now that are stronger and ready to take control.
and you're always going to value this part of who you were. But this part of you gets to rest. And so I want you to write a goodbye letter and I want you to say goodbye to the parts of you that you feel did not serve you so well while thanking them for everything that they did.
And I want you to almost in this goodbye letter write this beautiful kind of a love letter to that part of you. And acknowledge it for everything it has ever been through. That part of you that strived. The part of you that loved. The part of you that did all of that with the oldest stories with the older version of you.
And as you write this letter, I want you to really take a moment to step into the fact that you have changed and grown so much. But that old identity, it's not let you move on and it's not let you move forward. And I want you to write in this letter to this old self. I want the new self, the new part of you that's going to make this beautiful decision.
I want you to tell the old self what life is going to be about now. What does life look like for you now? How do you walk? How do you talk? How do you take care of your health? What sugar and processed foods do you feel your new self needs to no longer involve in your body? What are some of those walks or yoga or gym sessions or strength training
or pilates you feel your new self wants to take on. Boxing, running, jogging, anything. Paddle. What is your new self? How does your new self talk to people? How does your new self respect who you are? This version of who you are. And I want you to take your time when you write this letter. I want you to say
Goodbye to the version that is not serving you in this brand new chapter of a book called you.
and want you to write a candle. And then when you've got all your thoughts out, you can either treasure that so you have something to look back to when you know that you made this decision to step into a newer light and walk through this part of uncertainty with me. We're going to do this hand in hand together. Or you could burn it. You could make this a ritual with some of your guy friends or your girlfriends.
And you could all write this letter together with some music and then you can burn it. And you can feel that part of yourself just resting. And then breathe in this new person that you want to embody. And this new person, if you were to give them a name, like Beyonce has this stage name cause
called Sasha Fierce. You want to give that person a new name because we all have so many different parts of ourselves and sometimes the older version of ourselves has been running the show for way too long. So who's the new part of yourself that just needs this beautiful warmth and might want to live in your heart? What's their name? And how do they wake up in the morning? How do they go to bed at night?
How do they serve people during the day? How do they show up for themselves? And what are some of the tough decisions they need to make? But they're going to write down what those decisions are and know that they can do that with a lot of courage and faith. And fear is always going to be there. Fear is a sign you are alive. You never want to get rid of it.
You want to embody it, embrace it, and know that when you feel fear, it's just life saying that you're still human. So that's this Thursday's Life Better episode. And we're going to keep getting better every single Thursday, and we're going to keep working on ourselves and growing. So I am really excited to be on this journey with you.
as you are trusting me to be on this journey with me too. I hope you have an absolutely beautiful weekend and most importantly, I would truly love if you took the time to comment or let me know from my Instagram at Shazmin Bank or my TikTok.
at shasman underscore bank. If you got in touch with me and just let me know these are the decisions I made, this is a part of myself that I let go of. And if you feel that this episode would help anyone else, I'd love if you shared it. Because that's why I'm doing this, to just reach and help as many of you that I can. So until next Thursday, when we life better, mwah.
absolutely love you and I hope our paths cross and I'm excited for this change in your life and I'm personally really excited about this letter you are going to write to yourself.
