Love Better & Life Better
Love Better is a safe and loving space where we talk about the real, raw parts of relationships. I’m Shazmeen, and in this podcast, I’ll be sharing my own story and the lessons I’ve learned about attachment styles, relationship healing, and self love. We’ll talk about how attachment styles shape the way we connect, the struggles of addiction your fearful or dismissive avoidant partner may have to pornography or other levels they numb feeling away, what happens when intimacy fades in sexless relationships, and how losing touch with our inner child can impact how we love. You will walk away with lessons and tools to improve your current relationships, walk away from ones that no longer serve you and learn how to build new relationships from a place of secure foundations. We will break down anxious attachment, secure attachment, fearful avoidant attachment and dismissive attachment and the deep role our attachment styles play in the way we intimately relate to others and ourselves. The key will be to grow to be more securely attached. But most importantly, I’ll be here offering support, kindness, and compassion as we explore how to heal these wounds. My hope is that through these conversations, you’ll feel seen, heard, and empowered to rebuild the love and connection you deserve—starting with yourself. I wanted to create a podcast that felt like you are talking and listening to a friend. One that cares deeply for your ability to love better. We will dive deep into how our attachment styles hold a foundation for a lot of the decisions we make. You will gain an insight into your "why's" and learn from a place of no judgement. You will learn how to communicate better, resolve challenges and handle conflict from a new perspective. I hope you enjoy listening to this podcast whilst on a walk, jog, in the tub or taking yourself on a date. Lets get vulnerable together and as we heal remember we can love better. NO more blaming, critiquing and shaming yourself and your partner.
Life better is a segment that drops every Thursday and will teach you self mastery, mastering emotions and how to take responsibility of your life. I will give you tools you can use weekly to grow into the version of "self" you are born to be.
Love Better & Life Better
"Why Dismissive Avoidants Shut Down, Pull Away, and Struggle to Love"
There’s a reason dismissive avoidants shut down when things get too close. It’s not just cold behavior, it’s protection. In this episode, we go deep into the world of dismissive avoidant attachment: where it starts, how it shapes their personality, and why love feels like a threat to their nervous system.
You'll learn how many avoidants grew up in emotionally neglectful environments, taught to be independent before they were ever ready. They didn’t learn to rely on others, they learned it wasn’t safe to need anyone. And that story? It doesn’t just disappear. It becomes the blueprint for how they handle relationships.
Whether you’re anxiously attached, in love with someone who pulls away, or you recognize yourself in this dynamic, this episode will meet you where you are. You’ll leave with a deeper understanding of avoidants, not from judgment, but from compassion.
This is for anyone who's ever felt confused by a dismissive partner who “needs space,” struggles to open up, or shuts down right when things get real.
🧠 Understand the Dismissive avoidant’s early wounds
💔 What their core wounds are
💔 Why connection triggers their flight response
🛑 And how you can stop personalizing their distance by understanding them
🛑 If you are the dismissive avoidant listening, how to begin to just heal and be present
Please connect with me, I love to hear from you or answer some of your questions on my show:
Email me: Shazmeen@shazmeenbank.com
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Please subscribe and help me reach more people that need guidance in their relationships.
Shazmeen Bank (00:00)
Welcome back to another episode of Love Better and this is your host Shasmin Bank and you know that you can bank on me. And I am really excited about the sequence of today's episode because we are going to be talking about dismissive avoidance and the traits that dismissive avoidance have and
where these traits came from. And before I even dive into this particular topic, like I want to say two things first. First, I want to say thank you for all the support and for subscribing. It is so exciting to be able to bring you the visuals to this podcast and for you to be able to join the journey of watching along on YouTube or on Spotify. So thank you for that support. Don't forget, subscribe. It means so much to me.
And the second thing I wanted to say is, you know, when we talk about avoidant attachment, there's so much pop media culture out there that really will demonize them and really have avoidance feel awful about who they are. And they're already so consumed with so much shame about their attachment style and why they can't seem to get things right. And so
It's really painful for them to have this sort of an attachment style and for a lot of them to not even understand that it's not fixed and it's something that they can work on. So I really wanted to do these episodes and create this podcast because it's supposed to be a safe space and it's not only a safe space for anxiously attached people. It is a safe space for avoidantly attached people because remember if you
allow more room for them to feel more of themselves, to understand more of themselves, they're going to want to start to heal. And the more that we can help dismissive avoidance and disorganized, fearful avoidantly attached people feel safe enough to recognize their patterns and want to heal. Then inevitably you get to be with the person you love because now they are showing up so much better.
And yes, it takes so much work, but I just want to say that, you know, we need to create more humanizing eyes and love towards anybody with an avoidant attachment style. And that's why thought last week I talked about anxious attachment style in relationships. And this week I thought instead of just diving into
dismissive avoidance in relationships. I really wanted to give you a background feel into where they come from, how they came to be, the way that they are, and then some of their core traits. Because if you are a dismissive avoidant and you're listening to this or you're watching this episode, I really want you to know that you can heal. It is not unheard of that dismissive avoidance heal. In fact,
I've worked with so many beautiful dismissive avoidance that today cannot believe they're in the relationships that they're in. And when they text you to say, I can't believe I leaned in for a really tough conversation. I can't believe my partner wrote to me today to say, I'm the safest thing on the planet. I, you know, it's so beautiful to see those kinds of transformations. So if you're dismissively avoidant and you're listening to this episode.
I want you to know that you are seen, you are loved, and there's so much empathy and compassion that goes to how you grew up and just a lot of the loneliness that comes from what you have to hold inside and how you have to show up in the world. So when we are looking at dismissive avoidant traits, believe it or not,
There are some traits that are very in common with somebody that is anxiously attached. And one of the first dismissive of voiding traits is the fact that they actually really fear abandonment, even though they seek a lot of independence. And their fear of abandonment really stems from understanding the fact that there's this child that never really felt
skin-to-skin contact. They didn't grow up with the kisses. They did not grow up with the warmth, the hugs, the touch. They didn't grow up with a parent really looking them deep in the eyes and making them feel really safe to be seen. And so what they learned very, very early on in their lives is I could be abandoned and it's not just a physical abandonment that they feel.
It's an emotional abandonment because they never felt that they got to be attuned to emotionally. They never felt that there was room for them to scream, to shout, to express a variety of emotion. And for those emotions that they're expressing, which is calling for attention and calling for a need to be met, to be safe, to express.
They were very much met with an emotional neglect, which was behavior that a parent would show, which would be cold, which would be condemning, which would be punishing of them for trying to express those needs and play around with all these emotions and try to figure out who they are as this individual. So they fear abandonment. They are terrified that
They will emotionally be neglected in adult relationships. And that's because their brain never understood, neither did their bodies feel and experience attunement, not like somebody that was securely attached. So dismissive avoidance really, the cost of that fear of abandonment and the fear of emotional abandonment really leads them into the other trait, which is they are so highly
dependent on themselves, which means they're completely independent. And in relationships, it can really leave the other person feeling, what's the point of my presence with you? I almost feel that you don't need me. And dismissive avoidance really come from a place of, I really learned to take care of myself. I don't know any other way of
emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually being. The way that I show up in the world is I'm so hyper independent. And I find when people cannot do that, I almost associate it to weakness. I don't know another way to see anybody needing to co-depend on somebody else. And so people that are dismissively avoidant, of course, not only are
extremely independent, but it really stems from a place also where they feel that they're not worthy of love. They're not worthy of being seen. And that independence stemmed from them being that child that really grew up pretty lonely. Even if they had siblings, even if they did have a parent that was very caring, they will sort of live with the
core wound of the parents love they crave the most that they never did get, or maybe even in this circumstance, both parents love that they really craved and they never received. And if you dig way deeper into topic like this and you look into the strange experiment that was carried out, you will see that anybody that was dismissively avoidant didn't really have massive reactions when they're
parent or caregiver came into the room or left a room, but the monitors would pick up a sense of heightened heartbeat and the monitors would pick up a sense of sweating, a sense of nervousness that came within the body, but they were very well in not expressing or showing a sense of
urgency in needing this parent when the parent left the room or a sense of urgency needing this parent when the parent came back into the room, which obviously was very different from somebody that was anxiously attached, who would scream and cry and make noise to be seen and to be soothed. A dismissive avoidant child very much from a young age, they sort of learned that there really is no one there for them. And
that unworthiness of I'm not worthy of being loved really stems from them feeling nobody deeply wanted me, nobody deeply sought for me, nobody deeply cared when I had big emotions to create room for me. And so as this child, they don't have this brain processing ability to say, right, it's because this is my parent who
is mimicking how they were parented. It's because my parent is an alcoholic. It's because my parent is going through these kind of stresses and is sort of releasing this out on me. They were never parented to be loved and cared for themselves. My parent was never kissed, hugged, held, or told to sit on their own parents' laps and created room for it. So this child's brain...
you know, almost freezes in those moments that says, in order for me to survive, I have to depend on myself. I have to create room for myself. And so the child is not using this unbelievable logic to make sense. It's this freeze and survive mode that they go through, go into, and then go through life with. And then obviously as adults,
come into relationships and very often sometimes a dismissive avoidant is known to very much attract the partner who can be very strong, can be very hostile, can be assertive. It's not that dismissive avoidance will always just be attracted to someone that's soft or empathetic like somebody that's anxiously attached. And it's pretty interesting that they also don't just lean towards wanting someone very secure. They might
find it very attractive, the secure traits that somebody securely attached can give space and is very comfortable with their own boundaries, their own energy, how they flow in a relationship. But dismissive avoidance very much often will attract fearful avoidance. And the interesting part about that, ⁓ and I don't particularly in this episode want to get into being in a relationship with the dismissive avoidant, I really want to create room for you to understand who they are.
they came to be the way that they are is they tend to really attract fearful avoidance and when they're in a relationship with someone that's fearfully avoidant they can really trigger the anxiousness in someone that's fearfully avoidant. So it's very interesting dynamic but they really were brought up to be highly independent and a lot of the times probably also felt extremely powerless.
You know, they did not have the power to do things about their situation when they were younger. So they sort of felt, you know, I have to really rely on self because I seem to anger my parent or my caregiver a lot with any sort of big emotions that they naturally did have as children. Because you have to remember dismissive avoidance are not robots. You know, they very much walk the earth with
a lot of pain, a lot of emotions. It's just their natural inkling is not towards solving them, nurturing those emotions, sitting with them, know, leaning towards the emotional side of why am I behaving the way I am? Where's this emotion stemming from? Why is my partner hurting? They almost can come across
the word being very cold, very aloof. And they don't mean to do that at all. It's not that they're cold inside or they're aloof. It's because they actually try to run from the cold and the aloof. And the more they do it, the more they sort of just dig their heels down into that kind of an emotion because growing up, they experienced cold, they experienced
somebody shouting down at them, they probably also really experienced a lot of abuse. It could have been emotional abuse or physical abuse. And so you can sort of imagine this child really looking for love, really looking for safety, looking for what they deserve to have as any child. And now in an environment like that with a parent, they go off and go sit in the room.
And they learn to play on their own and they learn to entertain themselves so much more on their own. And later on, when you're an adult, these same behaviors continue with them being very addictive to solo experiences, gaming, pornography, going and doing activities that are not really a group activity.
but an activity where they get to sort of pull back from society and sort of do things very much on their own. They enjoy hiking on their own. They'll enjoy surfing on their own. They really look for avenues where they can come back into feeling safe within their body and their environment without the threat of somebody else because when they were younger, the threat was the parent, you know, so they would hide in a closet.
read in a closet. sometimes have had some clients who say they would hide under a bed and feel alone and scared. And so would be their safe space to be under the bed and then they could see the footsteps that came into the room and sort of notice that their body would tense up with which parent would walk into the room and they feel safer hidden. They feel safer alone. So really understanding
that a dismissive avoidance independence in the business world is so beautiful. But obviously, when they are now being more attuned to wanting to get into a relationship is for them to be able to recognize that their partner can create safety for them and very much that safety lives within them to start to experience their own emotions or with a therapist or the right coach that doesn't vilify.
being an avoidance. You really want to find if you're dismissive avoidance, somebody that really respects who you are, respects your attachment style, and is so graceful and so patient in very much being there for you to help you heal through your dismissive avoidance, not make you feel wrong or not make you feel terrified about this trait that you have within you. So obviously, know, fearful,
of being abandoned and then that leads them into feeling so unworthy of love and feeling unbelievably powerless in the relationships obviously leads them to be very, independent.
So they're very emotionally detached, which means they don't strive to be intimate in a relationship. They're not looking to physically want to hold you. You're not going to really experience them looking deep into your eyes and being very comfortable with eye contact. In fact, a lot of the times when dismissive avoidance have to discuss something where they could have hurt a partner in a dress, the pain and the partner, they very much look
down and their eyes will never look into the partner and address it and create room and safety for the partner to feel very seen is because they are not seeing themselves. How do they see you? How do they show up for you? And so we have to sort of take this pressure off, ⁓ chasing dismissive avoidance to show up so much more in a relationship intimately and emotionally without them being able to do that for themselves. They're not going to know how to do that.
for you. And that's why a lot of the times you'll see dismissive avoidance tend to be the person and this is not to shame them. This is just a trait, a characteristic, a flow out of them being very prone to wanting intimacy is they can be very addicted to pornography. And the reason that they're addicted to pornography, just like fearful avoidance can have this trait as well, is because
That act is when they are feeling extremely low, when they feel very alone, when they need to connect with self and they've not been taught how to do that in a healthy environment or they've not been taught that you can do this with another partner. And the way to co-regulate when you're feeling lonely and you're feeling sad and you're looking for safety is to go speak to your partner or engage in
making love to your partner and opening yourself up and feeling safe to discuss fantasies. A lot of dismissive avoidance feel a lot of shame with some of the thoughts that they have. And when they've expressed some of these thoughts, not only when they were child, but at some point in their teenage hood as well or early adult age, they were shamed, they were criticized, they could have been mocked. And so they really keep a lot about
they are, what they desire and want to themselves. And very often we'll feel freer to explore that in terms of pornography or being very addicted to wanting multiple sexual partners. And that's because they don't go and sort of open up to one person. When you're watching pornography, you're very much connected to self, but then you spiral into
the shame and that's where they sort of live and then they feel I'm not worthy of being in a relationship. I'm not worthy of being loved. Look at the things that I do. Look at the skeletons that I have in my closet. So there are a lot of people that are dismissive avoidance and are in relationships, but their partners often will complain that I don't know how to crack the wall to get closer to my partner. I don't know how to intimately be with them. In fact, even when
their physical or their sexual with me, it's about performance. It's about them being unbelievably amazing at it or being like, are you done? Are you finished? Did we hit the mark? You know, so they don't really will, they don't go into exploring sexually with you. They're very much wham bam. Thank you, ma'am. Thank you, mister. And they're not all about, you know, the
quirks to the beautifulness of intimacy. They want to know how can I cut this time down because this is extremely vulnerable. And that's the other thing that they don't dive into is vulnerability. So bring vulnerability and bring intimacy together. They're completely feeling not safe in that. They don't feel safe to be held to be seen because if a parent didn't do that for them, didn't hold them, didn't
allow them to feel safe in physical touch, then it's very hard for their nervous system that's been running on a repeated subconscious pattern and belief that I'm not worthy of touch, I'm not worthy of love. And if I open up, someone will leave me because, you know, I have this deep sense of lack of self-worth, even though I display externally.
that I'm very confident, I'm very competent, I'm highly skilled, but it's something people will experience externally. It's not something they embody. It's not something that comes from the dismissive avoidant inside. They don't sit in that conviction and they don't sit in this safe space within themselves. So they absolutely don't know how to create that sexually, intimately, and emotionally.
for another partner because nobody has taught them how to be able to create that for themselves.
Another trait that dismissive avoidance really is a very soft landing nerve spot for them is the fear of criticism, because they are terrified of being put down more. I mean, you can sort of imagine growing up already feeling so deeply criticized for being yourself and
They cannot take anyone shaming them, laughing at them. They cannot take themselves not coming across perfect. They cannot take it if somebody might see a human defect to them. And that's why they socially tend to really pull away. They don't really hang out in groups. They don't have very close connections, very close friends that they over open up to and over confide in because they're really
terrified of people seeing this lack within them, which to me hurts so much because
Dismissive avoidance are human. have emotion, they have a heart, they have dreams, they have passion, they seek out wanting to be in a relationship and enjoy it very much until naturally it starts where the other person wants to lock in and the natural flow of a relationship is we've gotten to know each other, it's been fun, it's been amazing, we seem to connect, there's
is,
not only chemistry, but seems to be a deep connection. I want to get to know you more, which means I would like us to get deeper, more intimate. What's the next step? Do I get to meet your family? Do I get to meet your friends? And very much a dismissive avoidant is not somebody that's dying to meet your family. They're not open to bringing you into their world very quickly. They'll sort of find different ways to pull out of that.
very often self-sabotaging good relationships, self-sabotaging where they know that they've really met a wonderful person and moving the relationship to the next stage means they need to enter an intimate world where more people will see them, more people will talk to them, question them. And they almost can feel like, wait, what if I've got my partner
to see me and love me the way I am, but what if their friends, their parents don't like me? It's just easier for me to create a fight or end the relationship or pull away or sort of sometimes be like, I think you want too much too quickly. You seem to be really needy. I have too much going on in my life. I don't have time for this level of commitment and emotion that you're looking for. And very often the dismissive avoidant who
can really worship and love the partner that they're with will unbelievably have a story in their mind that shifts actually the way that they see the person now. This story tells them that this person's not good for me, this person doesn't support me, I don't think this person wants me to win in life, this person is too needy and too clingy. You can have somebody that's unbelievably physically handsome or gorgeous and they know it but now
the stories they tell themselves about being in a relationship that is seeking more out of them. Is this person really isn't my type? They're too tall, they're too short, they're skinny, they're fat. They're just not somebody like I think I want to be with. They'll body shame them. Whatever it takes to get them out of that situation. And let me tell you something, they're hurting. They are truly hurting when they start to deactivate. They can sense that
they are going to end up being alone again. What's more painful for them is they're in a place where they're like, why do I do this? You know, and they can't sort of understand or reason with themselves. This has just been who they are their whole lives. And so when they have a partner that now wants them, wants to be with them, wants to connect with them, it really triggers a deep wound of rejection inside of them.
They cannot stand to be rejected. They cannot stand for anyone to see anything negative inside of them. And so if you have been with the dismissive avoidant and you thought it was so great in the beginning, it was so wonderful. And I saw what an amazing person they were, but I just couldn't seem to get past a certain
level with them and it was so painful. It's painful to not be with them because I see them for who they are. I see the beauty in them, what they wanted. I saw how they loved me. There's no doubt inside of me this person loved me. It really is for you to understand and have this deep empathy and warmth towards the fact that they are really suffering inside and especially even when they do break up.
they really hurt and it might look like they have a tendency to really move on very quick and that's how they distract. They go back into that childhood room of being alone, of being solo, of reading that book on their own, drawing, whatever it is. If they were a millennial, whatever it is, if they're a Gen Z, gaming, pornography, whatever it is to reconnect in that solo box, solo space on their own. That's where they run back to.
Some of the deepest fears that they also have is, you know, they become very aware to, especially if would someone anxiously attach their criticism. When the anxiously attached person can have this tendency to shame or sometimes in a bid to really shake a dismissive avoidant and connect with them, they can take information that was trusted and given to them and sort of use that back.
which obviously is something that is unhealthy and you can sort of see without villainizing why the anxious person does that, that they are just so desperate for connection. And that is one of the things that has a dismissive avoid and disconnect even more and pull away because they feel, this is it, I knew I cannot trust you. And this is one of the reasons that I'm so independent is I'm terrified of trusting anybody.
they have this place where they become emotionally very overwhelmed and you know they feel that they cannot now depend on anybody that they love and trust.
And they've always grown up feeling that my needs have never been met. So I don't know what needs are. I don't know how to meet your needs. I don't know how to be present and live this fulfilled life of meeting my own needs. And it truly hurts them that they want a family, they want children, they want to be in a relationship and their brains are just so fixated on
That's dangerous, that's dangerous, that's dangerous. And that's because they haven't healed the childhood wounds of your partner is not dangerous, your partner is a safe space, your partner is looking to connect, your partner longs for conversations and conflict is safe. Conflict with the right repair, with the right partner, with the right communication, with the right tools.
is something that can really allow both of you to look within yourselves and really to also be able to understand that a lot of the times we are really attracting partners that are pushing for us to grow. So dismissive avoidance will very much attract partners that are emotional seeking connection and closeness and warmth and love and
togetherness all the time and an experience of romance in this bubble. That's very much telling you if you're dismissive avoidant, you need to start to heal those core wounds and be open to communication and be open to expressing your love and be open to now someone being so interested in what you have to say. And it's different to how you grew up. You grew up muted. Nobody cared. Nobody saw. But
The beauty about love as an adult is that somebody wants to hear about your day. Somebody wants to know about you. Somebody wants, you know, to be around you all the time because they just simply enjoy your energy, your good nature, your kind heart, the beauty about who you are. And it's very hard for you to see that because you don't see yourself in that light.
And so your relationship is a mirror not only to go within and heal these wounds, but it's very much a mirror for you to be able to say, my God, I have these beautiful traits about me and I need to stop and acknowledge them. I need to stop and see that if somebody external wants to love me because they see I'm this incredible human being, I need to pause and see that about myself because that's exactly what relationships do.
They hammer you down on your triggers and your wounds until you burst open and say, no more enough. Let's look deep within and I want to heal. And if you're dismissive, avoidant listening to this, you absolutely can heal. And that's probably also why you're listening to this because this attachment style is not fixed. It's just a hard wiring of repeated patterns and beliefs over and over and over and over again, subconsciously.
that's just allow you to feel safe to be this person. So the work is hard, I will tell you that, because it really consists of you to lean in when your whole nervous system tells you to lean out.
dismissive avoidance can very much be known to idolize past relationships and really put a past partner on a pedestal and that's only because they are actually deactivating from going deeper into the current relationship. It's not because there is something wrong with the other partner. It's not because there's something wrong with them. It's very much just their nervous system saying danger, danger, it's time to get out, safety is on your own.
and so they are known to probably have flings or cheat because when they are doing something like that they're not emotionally invested and it's a way to sort of numb out.
or run away from what they truly want and they don't know how to be able to experience. So it can be something that dismissive of partners really have talked about to say that I know that I'm hurting the other person. I know that I'm hurting myself, but my nervous system truly just needs space. And a lot of the times also we can be in a space where you have to understand a dismissive void when they were younger, they had
a lot of space, if they were hurt by a parent or ridiculed in school, whatever would happen to them, they would find a way to isolate and be able to make sense of what was happening, but feel very safe in seclusion. And then they would learn how to self-regulate themselves to get out of that state. So they really deactivate and pull away. It's not something that's personal. You might end up thinking that they
don't care, they don't love me, they don't want to talk to me. How did they have the ability to just stay so quiet about something for such a long time? This is very true to fearful avoidance as well. But they pull away because they're gathering their thoughts and they're trying to make sense about what's happening. And they actually feel that if I pull away, then I actually have an ability to come back into the conversation and really elevate that conversation for both of us.
But a lot of the times in adult relationships, they're not really given the safe, safety of the space. They're either ridiculed for that space or they're hunted down and they're chased for a connection. And a lot of the times when you, when I look at attachment, I think there's such a beauty in also the pursue and the pull away. The beauty of the pursuer is
you know, their beautiful heart and longing for connection. And the beauty in somebody looking to feel safe is, you know, something admirable about the fact that they can feel safe within themselves. And that's what we try to teach anxiously attached people is how to self-regulate and not want to connect with the other person all the time that you can trust your nervous system to do it on your own. So it's really something beautiful.
if you were to talk to dismissive void and say, how do you regulate your nervous system? What do you do? It's normally not breathing techniques. It's not journaling. It's not ⁓ meditative, but they do find very interesting ways to just sort of allow their nervous system to come back to a sense of stability and safety that they create within themselves. Obviously, the
Beauty then is for them to go back out into the world and trust that their safety is enough for somebody else and to allow someone else to come back into their world. But they are rigid with their boundaries. They are rigid with, I'm fixated. You know, it's this is my world. I'm not breaking it for anyone else. This is how I operate. This is how my systems work. It's you know, you're either in it or you're out of it.
Whereas obviously, know, anxiously attach people like boundaries? Which boundaries? I don't have boundaries. I want to be with you all the time. If it means that I would lose connection, then I don't have any boundaries. Whereas in a lot of dismissive avoidance that I've actually worked with say they find it very sexy and very beautiful for a partner that actually does have boundaries and is very vocal about what they will tolerate and will not tolerate.
dismissive avoidance very much do like to know that, you know, somebody is focused and very independent in knowing their self-worth as well. And they actually really tend to respect that in a relationship.
You have to remember one thing about a dismissive avoidant is they really spend a lot of their adult lives coping. And so they're not really living, but they are trying to cope, not feeling or feeling or confused about what's going on within them or emotionally trying to understand. And a lot of times a dismissive avoidant can really be triggered in a relationship by somebody they truly love.
and lose. And very often that's what has them go, this is enough. I really need to find somebody that can help me understand why I function the way I do, how to be able to really hold space for my inner child, really re-parent my inner child and a lot of the core wounds I have where I feel, you know, I need to have tougher boundaries and I'm terrified about
being criticized and I'm always living on the defensive because I'm not trying to not understand someone's world. I'm just so terrified of someone not understanding where I come from and not having the luxury and ability to sit down and emotionally express that. They know what they are feeling. They know what they're thinking. But when they end up being with a partner that is fluent,
in expressing how they feel. shame themselves even more and go, damn it, I can't voice things that way. I can't talk that way. I don't have this ability to be like you. You're so flowy, so easy. Love comes so naturally to you. And so they will shame themselves for not being able to be that way. And so they really are always living in coping, in repressing emotion.
in repressing their negative emotions and not expressing, they avoid deep relationships because it really reminds them of memories in their childhood that they don't tend to think of very fondly. And they're always waiting for someone to end up being like a parent. So you could love me, you could see me.
But at what point will my parent show up? And that's part of being able to really work with someone that helps you feel safe within yourself again, so that you don't really attract a parent back into your life. But even if you have a partner that displays some of those traits that a parent had, it's really an opportunity for you to not push that partner away, but lean into what
parts of emotions you need to heal that took place in your childhood. And that doesn't even necessarily mean ever that you need to go back into your childhood and pull out all these memories and wounds. It's really your ability to be able to be so present to the emotions that came up, that do come up, and then you being able to rewire yourself to be someone that's more secure. And
You have to remember one thing about being dismissively avoidant. It is going to take time because you very much have taught yourself how to live on your own and rely on yourself. So it is work for you to be able to rely on another partner and know that they're not there to hurt you. They're not there to walk out on you. And you might even turn around and say, well, know, Shazman,
I did have partners that walked out on me, but a lot of the fairness is because we come into relationships because we want to be fulfilled, we want to give, we want to get. And so when they are not getting, there's a fairness to say that is why they left. And it was not because you're this evil, bad villain. It's just because you chose to live in certain patterns and beliefs.
And now even listening to this podcast, you want to walk out of that and start to heal parts of yourself so you can enjoy the deliciousness of a healthy emotional relationship. You can enjoy opening yourself up sexually to a partner that you trust and you want to experience, you know, the beauty of being with a partner in such a vulnerable way, because you cannot
speak a thousand languages like when you're with a partner intimately. And I'm not just talking about emotionally, but I'm talking about physically intimate with somebody. There's a level of openness, of communication that is spoken in such a different way. So you want to be able to be open to someone seeing you in that way, not feeling any sort of shame with.
So you will find, know, dismissive avoidance really tend to feel, can sustain myself. I do not need to rely on anybody because if I couldn't rely on a parent, I don't need anybody else in my life.
They very much learned how to hide emotions, not with themselves. They can feel a lot of pain. They know how to numb that pain out, but they can very much hide emotion from somebody else. And that's why, you know, they can come across with somebody labeling them as being extremely cold.
As toddlers, they grew up not feeling they needed the warmth and yet felt they needed the attachment to a parent without ever experiencing what it would be like to go into the warmth of being a child, of being this toddler that's seen, that's loved, that's cuddled, that's nurtured upon. And so they really are people that tend to
sustain themselves on their own and they cannot understand neediness of anybody else.
If you've got to remember if a partner cannot biologically connect to a parent, how do they start to just open up and connect to a partner? They see the partner as a threat.
And it's not that they're even aware, honestly, consciously of this, but their nervous system almost sees their partner as a threat to take away their independence, take away their voice, something that they've cultivated and worked so hard to build, to live on their own, to sustain themselves. I'm not going to have to have worked so hard to find safety in myself for someone else to come
and melt it all away and then what if they leave? And so that's why it's the work of the dismissive avoidant to really start to feel safe, not only in their presence, but in the presence of friends, in the presence of their parents again, in being able to see the parents with the compassion and the warmth of this truly was the best that you could do. And for me to heal and be my best self, I know that I cannot villainize
you along the way and victimize myself into healing. True healing comes when I can see bad behavior for what it was as bad behavior but not making anybody be bad.
as person. So the parent is not a horrible human being, but displayed hurtful bad behavior that had me grow up this way. And now I can see their bad behavior stem from a lot of their pain. And I'm almost replicating that. That's why I want to heal so that I don't carry out bad patterns and bad behavior, because I very much know that I'm an amazing human being and I have feelings and I have thoughts
and desires and longings as well.
You have to remember the.
Run away from criticism with you because they're already criticizing themselves so harshly. They're such a harsh critic inside of their own brains. And I normally give people this example and I turn around and say that if you lived with a roommate that was always screaming, always putting you down, always mean, always taking pokes at you, would you want to consistently live with somebody like that or would you pull yourself out of that environment?
And very often you find dismissive avoidance, their roommate is in their head. They are so critical of themselves. They really judge themselves so harshly. And that's why they can't see themselves as letting you down or failing you because they just have this voice of, can't believe you did that. You're, know, I knew you would mess that up. You don't deserve a good partner. You don't deserve someone that loving. They're above your standard. Why would they ever want to be with you?
anyway, if they got to really know who you are, they'd want to leave. So they really already live with a thousand paper cuts within their body and their own mind created by themselves. So this is one of the reasons that if there's a little criticism from their partner, they cannot take any more paper cuts. That's when they will bleed onto you now and you will experience them being very hostile or the wrath of their anger coming out.
because it really is them feeling they have failed you and failed themselves. And it comes out as obviously them pushing you away or hurting you or saying things that can leave you feeling, I don't understand what I did to deserve this or how much more do I need to love them or soften up for them to keep feeling safe.
Their work is to start feeling safe in their own minds and toning down that criticizing voice to put themselves down and then really learning to lean into the emotions and thinking about what is it that I'm feeling? How can I move into feeling like that? Is it a story that I'm saying to myself? Is the truth to that? And then just sitting with
the discomfort of emotion in their body. Something that's very normal for someone securely attached or very normal for someone that's anxiously attached.
Something I definitely want to add is, sort of address attachment styles as a whole, but they also really is a difference with someone being dismissively avoidant when they are in their masculine and someone dismissive avoidant in their feminine. And it really does play a difference because a dismissive masculine male who's already brought up in a world where you're not supposed to cry and you're supposed to be really strong, you're supposed to be high achieving and
it can be extra hard for them to have to
lean into wanting to heal or step into that emotional world where they're not ridiculed about looking to heal or, you know, they don't have guy friends that are like, you're being such a girl or why you being a woman? So we need to also have softness to dismissive avoidant men that really go against the grain of wanting to be softer and get in touch with their feminine sides as well.
I think one of the things I want to wind out this episode with is
You know, dismissive avoidance didn't learn how to self soothe. They learned how to not feel at all. They learned how to numb things out. So you could have this child that went to parent, they're crying and, get the stop crying or I'll give you something to really cry about, you know, and that child becomes...
this human that just is terrified of emotion. And they didn't build walls to keep you out. You know, they literally built walls to just keep themselves protected and play inside those walls because that's the safety for them. Obviously now in a relationship, you've got to dig through that wall, get over that wall, get under that wall, find multiple ways to penetrate to reach the dismissive avoidance.
around the walls that they built. But it's really important that as someone that's dismissive avoidant, if you're listening to this to pause and think, wow, like, have I built a wall around me? And I'm going to give myself so much compassion that I built that wall to protect myself. But now as an adult, I need to start trusting that these walls are things that are going to keep loved ones out and are going to make loved ones go crazy trying to penetrate and come inside.
to want to be with me because they want to be with me. And I want you as someone dismissively avoidant to pause and think about the fact that you have people that really love you, really want to see you, and you have a partner that adores you, that sees you, and feels so challenged and broken on the other side of the wall. And one of the ways I can see that in my head almost is like, you know, the dismissive partner with their back.
the wall they've built with their head down, you know, and their hands around their knees crying, feeling really sad. And you have their partner with their back against the wall on the outside, the wall that the dismissive avoidance built in the same pose and structure, crying and hurting. you, you have two, people, one's trying to get in, you know, and say you're worthy and the dismissive avoidance inside they're saying, am I worthy? I don't feel worthy. And so it's...
having this compassion and this empathy towards somebody that's dismissive avoidant and not to excuse anyone's bad behavior, but it's to be able to understand sometimes also for dismissive avoidance, bad behavior stems from a lot of pain. And when we can start to understand people's pain, then we are not making excuses for people, but we're really becoming more compassionate and we're becoming more empathetic.
to human beings being the way that they are. They didn't force themselves to grow up this way. They grew up in a world that didn't feel safe. It's not their fault that they end up being this way. But with education like this, and when we make it safe for them, then they want to change. They want to grow. They want to come out of their shell and their world to be able to say, it's safe enough for me to be seen and loved.
If you're dismissively avoidant, you know, this is a great wake up call. It's not to say that you're cold and you're not broken. You know, you've been overprotected. You've overprotected the little child inside of you for such a long time. And you've been an amazing parent to that inner child in the best way that you could have been as the person that you are right now. And it's okay to let that child see a different kind of world.
a world where they can laugh, they can be loved, they can make mistakes, they don't have to live in shame and you don't have to protect them. You can allow someone else to love you and see the childlike nature of who you are and let that side of you come out in a beautiful way as well.
You have to always remember protection isn't connection. And as long as you're always trying to protect something, you are preventing connection with somebody.
I want, if you're listening to this episode and you're thinking, Shazmin, how do I just start to heal this attachment style I have? The first thing I would tell you is, first of all, applause for listening to this episode and being so open to it. The second thing I would tell you is just being present to reflecting and being open to, ⁓ okay, I...
React this way. I have these wounds. I have these traits. I pull away. Just starting to be familiar with the way that you behave and some of the traits that come up for you being very aware of some of your responses in your relationships doesn't only have to be with a partner. Start to be aware of how you react in the workplace. Start to be aware of how you act with your siblings, with close friends, with a parent, with a partner.
just start to notice what are the emotions that come up and when do I instinctively feel like I need to go back into my fort? And how can I start to be more present and allow myself to feel uncomfortable? And when I'm feeling uncomfortable, where am I uncomfortable in my body? You know, start to put names to your emotions, start to feel the discomfort in your body and start to feel privileged that
You can handle the discomfort in your body because you know how to work your nervous system better than anybody else. You're going to learn how to be in charge of it. So the discomfort you feel is in your own body, which means you are able to be able to pause and put your hands on those parts of the body and be able to say, okay, I don't need to run away from this right now. What do I need to learn from this? How can our
How can I articulate this better to the person that I care and love? Do I need to let them know that I'm feeling scared? Do I need to let them know that I have a big emotion popping up right now? Can I voice it and see how it lands? Can I voice it and see how my partner takes it and how they could create safety and I can allow myself to feel safe in their safety? I don't have to go and control it.
Allow people to see you. Allow people to see you without the stories you're creating in your mind and how they are seeing you. But allow yourself to be in the presence of other people and start to notice other people. Start to get comfortable with emotions. Start to just notice how people express emotion around you in different ways. Start to open up that emotional IQ around you and just become aware. Even if you're watching a show,
Even if you're watching a reality show, you're watching a movie or a series, start to notice emotions that people are expressing and start to think about, okay, those are beautiful emotions. Look at how people can articulate it. Look at how people can run away. Who do I tend to relate to a lot more in some of the shows? A great one that I've not actually watched and got through, but I did see a couple of people said sort of
showed avoidant and secure attachment style was, I think it's on Netflix. It was the show of Nobody Wants This. I definitely want to watch that show, but it would allow you from what I read was people said that there was a lot of, I think the rabbi is a lot more secure and the woman he attracts is a lot more avoidant. And it's just very interesting to see that kind of a dynamic. So put yourself in situations in shows and movies and just sort of notice.
Would I relate more to this person who's being more emotional? How do they voice it? Just start to become aware. These are like baby steps.
If you are dismissive of voiding, you have spent years trying to convince yourself that you do not need love. You don't need to be seen. You don't need to be held. And that makes you strong. I want you to know that the truth is you're a human being and we are wired for connection. We are wired to be seen. We are wired to be desired. We are wired to be loved on someone else's terms as well.
And so I want you to really take a deep breath at the end of this episode. And I would just invite you to journal and see how you feel and talk to maybe your partner and ask them, are these some of the characteristics you've ever noticed about me? And I would love to hear how you feel in this relationship. Notice.
When you get uncomfortable, notice when your body feels like, want to pull out, I want to leave, but just start to get really comfortable with the fact that you really do deserve love and you do deserve someone to give that love to you. And I'm pretty certain you do have someone in your life right now like that, or you want to invite somebody into your life like that. But your first step is to just stop running from wanting to be seen.
And I just want you to know we see you. I see you. I see you as an incredible human being full of love and laughter and joy and a purpose on this planet. And one of those purposes is you have a gift within you called love. And it is incumbent upon you to give your love to someone because someone deserves to be loved by you.
I want to say thank you so much for joining me on this episode and I really hope that it allow you to feel safe and I would really love to hear from you. I'd love to just know how this landed for you, if you were listening for a partner, if you were listening as the partner and I would love if you subscribe and you follow along. You can now watch me on YouTube, you can watch this on Spotify.
where you could hear this on Apple or Amazon Music. most importantly, I'd love to connect with you. Send me a DM on my Instagram at shazmanbank. Connect with me on TikTok, where I post so many different videos, or just, leave me a message and comment on to this section. And I would love to be able to answer some of your questions or
even base some of my episodes around some of the deep questions you have and the longings you have. But I want to say thank you so much for being present, being with me through these episodes. And I hope one day that our paths cross and I get to meet you. Until the next episode, this is your host, Shazmine Bank, and I hope you know you can bank on me.
