"What Your Partner Needs After You’ve Cheated And How to Show Up"

In this episode, Shazmeen Bank delves into the complex emotions and challenges faced by couples dealing with betrayal and infidelity. She emphasizes the importance of understanding the pain of both the betrayed and the betrayer, and outlines the steps necessary for healing, including atonement, attunement, and rebuilding trust. Shazmeen encourages open communication, emotional support, and the need for both partners to take responsibility for their healing journey. The episode serves as a guide for those navigating the tumultuous aftermath of infidelity, offering hope and practical advice for rebuilding relationships.

Takeaways:

• Dealing with infidelity is complex and not black and white.
• There is no shame in trying to make a relationship work after betrayal.
• Atonement involves genuine remorse and understanding the pain caused.
• Attunement requires actively engaging with your partner's emotional needs.
• Rebuilding trust takes time and consistent effort from both partners.
• Coping mechanisms like journaling and physical movement can aid healing.
• Support systems are crucial for both the betrayed and the betrayer.
• It's important to create a safe space for open communication.
• Healing is a journey that may involve ups and downs.
• Both partners must be willing to work towards a new relationship dynamic.

"If this episode helped you, or if you're navigating the aftermath of betrayal right now, know that you're not alone. Healing is possible but it takes honesty, patience, and showing up the right way.

If you’d like more tools for rebuilding trust, understanding attachment, or working through relationship repair, make sure you’re following me on all platforms.

Instagram:

https://www.instagram.com/shazmeenbank

TikTok:

https://www.tiktok.com/@shazmeenbank

Watch the full video podcast on YouTube:
YouTube.com/@shazmeenbank

For coaching or collaboration inquiries:
📧 Email: shazmeen@shazmeenbank.com

And if you’re listening on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, leaving a review really helps this message reach more people who need it.

"Betrayal breaks more than trust, it shakes the entire foundation of a relationship. But if you're the one who hurt your partner, there are ways to begin repairing the damage. This episode is for you."

🎧 Listen now on Love Better (Spotify, Apple, or YouTube)

#LoveBetterPodcast #InfidelityRecovery #RebuildingTrust #RelationshipHealing #CheatingRecovery #AttachmentStyles #SelfHealing #EmotionalRepair #RelationshipAdvice

See you in the next episode of Love Better.

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Betrayal and Infidelity
• 5:48 Navigating the Emotions of Betrayal
• 11:40 The Journey of Rebuilding Trust
• 17:51 Investigating the Affair: Questions and Answers
• 23:52 Final Thoughts on Healing and Moving Forward
• 40:39 Understanding Betrayal and Its Impact
• 46:45 Attachment: Rebuilding Intimacy and Trust
• 56:00 Self-Care for the Betrayed Partner
• 1:02:53 Setting Boundaries and Expectations
• 1:10:59 Building a New Relationship Together

Transcript

Shazmeen Bank (00:00)
Welcome back to another episode of Love Better. This is your host Shazam Bank and you know that you can bank on me. And today we're actually diving into a topic on what do we do after betrayal and infidelity. And I did not want to cover the reasons to why infidelity happens or the stages of an affair. I will put up a video for that separately.

But I really wanted to address a lot of the couples that are in a space right now where they have recognized infidelity has happened. You have cheated on me. I found out about your multiple affairs or the two mistresses, the three mistresses, the two mistresses in a go or found out about a family that you have that has left me shattered and shocked.

Or I have just found out that the person I thought was the most important person in my world, the person I would have laid my life on the line to say that I trust with my hand on my heart has turned out to not be the person that I thought they were. And you are sitting there as the betrayed person in confusion with a whole lot of information, not knowing what to do with it.

not knowing if you should walk away or you should try or wondering if I'm choosing to work on this and make it work in my marriage or my long-term relationship. Does that make me weak? Does it make them lose respect for me? Or you could be the person that just found out that your partner has been cheating on you and you don't know to pry deeper.

to ask more questions, you don't know if this is a place you even want to go into. dealing with infidelity and betrayal is not as black and white as a lot of the common sections on social media can make it. If they cheated on you, leave. If they cheated on you once, they'll do it again, walk away. It is really complex. And a lot of the times when we

Advise from our hearts because we've been hurt and say leave Once a cheater always a cheater. It comes from a place of look. This is what I went through I don't want you to go through it and It can leave the person really wanting to try to save their marriage feeling a lot of shame and really silly For if it does happen to me again, then people told me right so it's on me So it already leaves you feeling very alone in that journey

want to start. So I wanted to set the tone for there's no shame first of all in finding out you've been cheated on. There's no shame if you're both choosing to make this work. According to the Gothmans, 65 to 70 percent of relationships do try to make their relationships work and make it work. And there's a small caveat to this which is

It makes a really big difference when you have help, when you can go through the crisis stage, the explosion stage, the anger stage with a therapist or a relationship coach that knows what they're doing and how to break the steps down and how to sit with the pain of the revelation of what's happened.

not push the person that has found out or not push the couple to a stage, but go with the flow that couple needs to go with. And the right person that can see-saw with you and really guide you very gently while respecting where you're at and allow you to go forward. And if you end up going backwards, you have the right person that understands

that is part of this journey. And I wanted to really do this episode for the person that has betrayed their partner and to give you some clarity into their world. And then also for the person that's been betrayed to be able to understand it's okay.

You've got someone that's going to sit in the mud with you. And that's what I'm here to do with this episode. I'm here to sit in the mud and I'm here to say, I got you and it's not going to be fun. And we don't need to fix it straight away because right now you probably have so many questions that you want answered. Or you might just be in a stage where you just desperately want to know the person that's betrayed you and hurt you cares.

and they want to make it work or you want to see them fight for you or you're going through a stage where you have all these questions about who, when, how many times and where. And like Esther Perel says, it makes a lot of sense sometimes to turn the detective questions that we might have, which I feel are also so normal of when did you, how did you, were they better, how many times.

Was it on my birthday? Was it not on my birthday? How could you do this on our anniversary? Is this why you miss children's school day, their presentation day, their sports day to go be with a mistress or to go be with this man in your life? This is why you abandoned us. And I want to know what dates and what timings and where. And the person that's just found out about the betrayal hasn't even had a chance to

piece a lot of the timeline together. And when they start to fill it with all the detective questions, it can leave them feeling alone. It can leave them feeling shattered. It will leave them feeling like they do not have a marriage and they absolutely cannot trust you. It will rob them of their sense of safety.

So if you're the person that's betrayed your partner, this is how you have to come back into a new relationship you're about to build. Because the one that you had will have beautiful memories, will have amazing moments, but they don't hold value to the person that's been betrayed anymore. That sense of a relationship, that sense of family to them is all being questioned right now.

because they feel if you loved them and you cherished them and you had valued them, then you had multiple times to make a decision to have ended that affair. Not that it would make someone who's been betrayed feel better, but like when I got off with a couple, a couple of hours ago, pretty much the inspiration for this episode.

The person that was betrayed said that they wished this person, their partner, had stopped the affair. They wished that they had been chosen. They wished that their partner had chosen the family. Even though that doesn't make it better, it doesn't make that had you chosen us and stopped the affair and made a better decision that I would stay and love you. It's just something they can hold on to to say, why didn't you choose us?

And then there are other people who ended the affair, who chose to go the brave route and speak the truth because sometimes, very often, they get caught and they're reeling from also getting caught. The person that's betrayed you is reeling from the person I have to face in the mirror now is not really the person I want to see. I had a vision of who I was as a man or a woman.

and it doesn't feel so dignified to have to now answer all these questions. And I want you to understand one thing first.

This is not going to be fun and this is going to be a really tough journey and you are going to yo-yo, you are going to go back and forth, you are going to be tested with emotions and moments on whether you want this relationship to work or not. Now there's some people who if you cheat on me I'm done, I'm out and they have the ability to say no more, I'm not going to do this and they walk away.

and they will pick up the pieces with the therapist on their own, with a support group, with a best friend or with their family. But there's some people like you who are watching this and you're just trying to make sense of your world right now. Well, this is the episode. And then there are the couples that will watch this episode right now and say, where the hell do we start? And you have the couples that are watching it that don't even want to sit next to each other. You have somebody watching this episode saying,

Do you deserve a right? Do you deserve a chance with me again? Is it if I let you into my world, I'm lowering my worth and my self-esteem, even though right now it's crushed? Your partner's world, their self-esteem, their confidence, their sense of self is all to be questioned as much as your worth and who you are.

and they're going to put you on a pedestal and it's not going to be in a fun way. And that's why if there's anyone watching this contemplating whether they should have the affair, continue the affair, will then be ready for the discomfort of that affair. You thought having that affair was hard. You thought covering up your tracks was difficult. You got exhausted and tired of the lies that were coming up for you in the beginning and then they just get easier.

You started to create a story to make what you're doing flawless and easy for you. Well, this leg of the journey for the person that's also betrayed, you need to think about, are you ready? Are you ready for the three steps that are needed? And they're not going to be fun and they're not going to always flow in the most beautiful order. But what are the three steps to make this betrayal?

turn into something that we can start to lay a foundation on and decide if after all this work we even want to make it work. I had a couple that went through a grieving seven months, ups and downs, on calls twice a week, broken, betrayed. And the worst part was they were really prominent in society.

So it was harder for the woman that had found out her husband had been having an affair and had another child to have to still keep his name intact, to still have to defend his image and protect his image when all she wanted to do was scream, this is not the man you think he is. And having to discover the betrayal and then hold the pain

of not being able to expose it, meaning still going back into society as a couple, as a unit, and showing everyone that they're okay and they're this dream couple and this perfect couple was excruciating for her. It was so hard. She didn't know what she was supposed to do. If she was supposed to grieve or be angry about the fact that he has had this affair and been disloyal.

and broken their family or if she's supposed to be angry about the fact that she has to go out into society and put a smile on her face when she's really struggling with depression and that depression didn't hit her straight away. Sometimes it takes a couple of weeks or a couple of months or for some people a year or two to realize that you're exhausted, that the facade you're carrying, that the fixing you're trying to do in the relationship is just not something you can do.

And so there are some people who will be at it trying to make the relationship work for several months and then in the end decide, I don't think I have enough. Nothing has come out of this that's strong enough that I can ever feel I can trust you again. And they split ways and they separate. Some come back later on to make it work and others don't. So there's no right way. There's no wrong way. There's just your way as a couple right now.

to figure out how do we make this work. There are different scenarios where you could be the person that's just discovered your partner's cheating on you and you dive into full fixer mode. You dive into full savior mode, especially if you're anxiously attached. You dive into rescuing the relationship because you've always played that role. You've played the role of being the glue. You've played the role of now

trying to find out about the infidelity, read about infidelity, dive into all the books, go into all the podcasts, read all the episodes on how to heal, and you're trying to convince them to join your journey on, look, we've just discovered this, this is probably why our relationship hasn't been great for a long period of time. If we take the affair out of it, then it's just the two of us again. And if it's just the two of us, then I'm right here, I'm saying, I hate you right now, but I love you. I want you, get away from me.

I need you, don't touch me, please fight for me, touch me, why are you not chasing me? Was it because they were better? Was it because you wanted them instead? And yet, still, I'll be here and I'll say, like, let's fix it, let's make it work. And the other person isn't quite there yet because the person that's also betrayed you is in shock. Oh, a part of themselves, a part of their world has completely now been exposed.

to who they really have been. All the lies crumble and a lot of the times for the person that's been betrayed, they sort of get this moment when they go, I can stop playing the game. I can stop with all the lies. I almost feel like my world is starting to make sense again because I don't have to play this double role.

And the other person's thinking, no, no, you don't get to get out of pain yet. You don't get to feel better while my world has crumbled, while I didn't ask for any of this. And one of the first steps is the step of atonement. If you want to make your relationship work. And atonement means really coming into your partner's world. It means you're going to have to push away.

your defensiveness, it means you're going to have to get help with taking the criticism and the contempt that's probably going to come your way if you're not doing this professionally and you don't have the right person to hear the pain. Let the pain come out. Let the volcano erupt. Let the pressure come off. And then let's see what do we have left after that's happened. Because

There's some people who can go through it very gracefully, who can turn around and say, you've been cheating on me and you know what? We've got this image in society we still have to show. There's some celebrities that have to do that and behind the scenes we'll work on it. And it's only later that you discover you have the post-traumatic stress disorder because it's not only for veterans, it's not only for people who

have been through excessive war trauma. It's for people who suffer trauma betrayal. This is the one person, one of the best examples I'd seen off the internet, I don't know which video it was, but that turned around and said, you are literally jumping off an airplane with your partner. You're holding onto them. And you turn around to say that, trust you will open my parachute.

And when they don't, and you can see them, and they're looking you in the eye, and they're watching you land to the ground, your world's in unbelievable shock because you're thinking, what happened? You're the person I trusted, the only person in my world who's supposed to pull that parachute. Nobody else was in charge of that except you.

And you didn't do it in worse, you watched me fall, watched me crash, you watched me burn, you watched me injured.

How could you make that decision? And that's what it feels like when your partner's discovered you've been having that affair for years, for months. That's what it feels like when your partner discovers what you've been digitally cheating on. And we live in this world where we think we can only feel excessive amounts of pain if it's in a physical affair.

But emotional affairs hurt even more too. Because when you're bound by someone, you almost feel like you're their everything and they're your everything. Righteously. They come and they talk to you and they share with you their world and everything going on in their world. So I don't want to sit here and discuss the reasons why this affair happened. I want to sit here and create room for the fact that atonement needs to happen.

and for atonement needing to happen, meaning you have to go into their world and be remorseful and apologize and understand what this betrayal has done to them over and over and over and over again until they believe they are done with what this betrayal

has broken in their world. You don't get to cheat. You don't get to have the affair and you don't get to put the timeline on them. You don't get to tell them enough because I know I deal with a lot of people who turn around and say they cheated. They said, sorry, I am the problem. I'm bringing up the past.

I should have gotten over this in three months or six months. I am the person holding us back. And for someone that doesn't know what their rights are in the atonement phase, in the betrayal, in infidelity, when you don't know what your rights are and you're empathetic and compassionate or possibly anxiously attached, you can end up feeling like it's suddenly your responsibility to make your healing journey move faster, to not feel

to feel in secret, to cry alone, to not feel any pain, and to stop building and fixing the relationship immediately. And I've seen so many couples that move into that segment. Relief to the person who betrayed? ⁓ Don't have to deal with it, especially if they're fearfully avoidant or dismissively avoidant. They are not somebody that wants to be held accountable.

And I'll tell you why. Because the person who's betrayed you is sitting with immense levels of shame and guilt when it hits them what they've done. In the beginning, they are also facing denial. They are also thinking, I'm not that person. You know how we turn around and say, depression? Depression happens to them. Anxiety happens to those people. No, no, no, not us.

is the same person when they've betrayed you. The betrayer turns around and says, no, I'm not that person. I, I, I didn't do it. It was all the reasons in the relationship. They weren't having enough sex with me. They weren't present. It was the children. They put on weight. They were ignoring me and their justification has formed an armor around them that allows them to have continued doing what they wanted to do.

It's the Chinese wall, their ability to live the double life. Here, I'm a great husband or wife. I show up, I provide, I do the things I think are essential to be done, but here I get to go and explore. On the other side, I get to be who I want to be. I get to fulfill my fantasies and my dreams. Because on this side, I feel I'm being an outstanding partner. I'm providing the basics, what your friends don't even have.

And then over here, I get to go and play. And now suddenly I have to see my actions in your pain, in your tears. I have to see my actions in your depression, in your confusion. I have to face what I've done in your inability to get out of bed or your ability to get out of bed and still be kind to me and treat me like a human being when I've destroyed our world.

And so there are different kinds of people. They're the kinds of people who I don't want to deal with it, move on. You can't move on. I'm going to go cheat again. I'm going to go find someone. And they leave some people who don't understand their self-worth. And you need to be watching my other videos on this podcast. They leave them feeling confused and hurt. But then there are the other people who really suffer with the shame and guilt because

They never saw themselves to be that person. They're the person you're in confusion with because you're thinking, wait a minute, I used to talk to you about your friend doing that to our friend. We discussed in depth. saw our friends suffer and you were doing this to me all this time. The amount of times we sat there feeling like we're the ideal couple. We don't have secrets.

But true, I don't have any with you. How? How could you have all these secrets? How could you do this to me? How could you do this to us? Did we not matter? There were enough times you could have made a choice to do something different. My world as the person betrayed cannot understand how you didn't choose me. Make that make sense. And you're going to have to make sense.

You're sitting there as the person who's betrayed them, sometimes also now feeling like the victim because they're screaming at you, they're lashing out, they're angry, they've kicked you out, they've thrown your things out, they've smashed your car window, they've gone to your office. Their anger has come out.

But you want to save the relationship. You want to save your family. So what do you do? Step one again, atonement. What is that? It's sitting in the remorse. It's getting help for you to deal with your anger that's coming up to want to defend yourself. Because remember, naturally, you can't see yourself as that person. When your partner is turning around to say, I can't believe you did that.

You're a really shit human being. You're an evil person. You're a pedophile. I can't believe how you could go and date someone or be with someone so young, even though they're in your 20s and they're calling you all these hurtful names. You want to stand there and be able to say, that's not me. I'm not that evil person. And there's this ability where when you do that, you cast their pain out. Right now it's about their pain.

Right now, it's about you atoning and getting down to the humble level of realizing it's all about them. It was all about you in the cheating. It was all about you in the affair. It's all about your pleasures, all about the fun you've managed to have. Now it's about them.

So if you've betrayed your partner, it's about understanding and being really uncomfortable with the questions on how are you. Be ready for how they are. Be ready for one day of them crying, being broken and upset, being ready for the next day they open up and want and allow you to physically touch them and make love to them and leave them completely confused.

leaves you completely confused. Be ready for the third day when they're screaming, shouting, angry, hating themselves for having been so vulnerable and allowing you in that quick. It's just not a simple journey. But the grit you had to cheat, the grit you had to have the affair, the strength you had to do all of that, now you need that strength to be present.

to your partner's pain. To consistently ask yourself, what pain are they in? Take that question to them. Have breath the way you did for the affair to also listen to what pain are they in? What's the new pain every single day? What are the triggers that come up? Do they want to...

go to the restaurants anymore? When they drive past the restaurant, how do they feel? Is there an anger that comes up? Is there a sadness that comes up? Life's not going to bounce back anytime soon for you. And the person that's been betrayed needs to understand that's their right.

Their right is you don't have to jump back and heal quickly. You have a right to feel everything you're feeling. You have a right for all these triggers to make sense to you. You have a right to sit there and go, my God, all the suspicion I had, or you have a right to go, how the hell did you blindside me? I didn't see this coming. You have rights and your right is to sit in your pain.

Your right is to not rush through that pain. Your right is to be seen. Your right is to have someone really understand those tears. Your right is to be numb. Your right is to have your nervous system shut down. Your right is to have the energy to say, okay, I think I can do this. We can make this work. And then it's also your right to be able to say, I don't think I can do it again.

And then it's also your right to say, okay, I think I can do it again. And if you're the person that's betrayed your partner, your capacity to listen to them, to hold their tears, to hold their heart, to hold their nervous system, that is going to be completely dysregulated because the person that's taken their safety away is now the person trying to provide it.

The person who shattered their world and confused them is now the person trying to make sense to their world. Nothing about infidelity makes sense, but I believe so much that you guys can make this work with the right help and the right steps. And I'm not discussing the other two steps yet, because I really want to sit in the atonement phase.

Part of the atonement is for you to now be able to also sit there and go, okay, I need to be genuine. I have to be fully remorseful. I'm gonna have to say sorry in 5,000 different ways. Sorry verbally, sorry in your actions, sorry in showing up, sorry in taking up more of a role in the family or that relationship. Sorry in multitude of ways.

where your actions reflect the apology, where your partner can start to sense, can I trust you? They just get to question that, can I?

You have to, in the atonement, also be able to end the suspicion your partner has. Be ready for, want your passwords. Be ready for delete social media. Be ready for change your phone. You don't get to have a smartphone now. You don't get to have access to TikTok and Instagram and Facebook. Change your phone. You want me, you want to keep me, you change your phone.

get out of the smart device and just have a phone that has the ability to pick up a call and get rid of a call. There are various requests I've seen couples go through to have to have their world feel safe again.

And you have to be ready to say, can I do this? Do I want to do this? Does the person I've hurt, are they enough for me?

Do I love my family enough? And the person that's been betrayed, want you to understand one thing. That you are enough. You just might not be enough in their world, but you are enough. Those are two very separate things. Your partner is going to have to go on to a journey to understanding why did I do what I did, not blame you.

not look at the reasons that aren't just working in the relationship. No, no, no. This is not the time for you to start saying that, I cheated on you because you are not giving me enough sex. No, no, no, no. We in the atonement phase don't get to put the weight and heaviness on your partner. You don't get to make them responsible for the fun you've got to go out into the world and have. Because remember, this relationship hasn't been easy for them too.

They might have withdrawn intimately from you for reasons your behavior made them do so too. And they didn't go out there and cheat. So part of atonement is not saying I did what I did because of you. You have to understand why I cheated. No, no, no, no, no. We don't get to do that. Atonement is this is what I did. The bomb's dropped. Let's take a second to let the dust clear and see

What's the destruction? Each couple I've ever worked with, the destruction is different. It means different things. It's destroyed different aspects of the relationship. Some have been easier to build, others not so easy.

but it really comes down to the person that's betrayed their family. It really comes down to you to be able to be a really big vessel, to dig deep within, to lose all your stories, and to really allow your partner to not carry the weight of your decisions and choices. Be ready for them being the detective

And as Esther Perel suggests, learn to be more investigative with the questions. Investigative for the person that's been betrayed means what did the affair mean to you? What did you not find in this relationship you found in that relationship? How do you feel about what you've done? How do you feel about the choices you made? What was it like every time you came home and saw my face? How was it like to get into bed with me?

What did this really mean for you? How is this left you feeling? The detective questions are how many times, how frequent.

Where? When? How often? What did you do with them you never did with me? How did you get ready? Is that why you lost the weight? Were they prettier or more handsome? Bigger or tighter? Those are the really uncomfortable questions you have to be able to deal with. And for some people, they're not able to be investigative and just rise to a level of

I don't want to say maturity because you're not immature for playing detective. You have every right to ask the questions you need to ask. And I've had some people come in with a list of questions and they want every single question answered. And they're not willing to let that question move on to the next until they feel fully satisfied inside it was answered.

to where they feel inside, they're done. And they could come back to that question and test you to see, you still lying? Because the most important thing for your partner to know right now is the suspicion comes to an end and the lies have come to an end. How do they just put to bed? None of that's going on anymore. And that means you're going to do whatever it takes.

It means you're going to do whatever they need to feel safe in your world again. And that means even three, four years down the line, six, seven months down the line, they can't reach you on a phone, you're late. And if they've not had the right help and they don't have the communication skills, they're probably going to lash out and their mind is going to go back into the trauma, the post-traumatic stress disorder of where are you? Who are you with? What are you doing?

They're going to question all of that again. And they might in the right way, with the right help, eventually be able to say, this is hurting me when I can't reach you on the phone is not something I'm willing to do anymore. After what happened, it's imperative for me. If you're going to be late, you pick my calls. If you're going to be late, maybe you stay on the phone with me with the drive back home. It's going to need

Whatever has to be done has to be done to heal this big void that's still inside of me and rebuild this second brand new relationship. Because sometimes people don't want to be a part of the first one anymore. It's shattered, it's broken, it's gone.

and the work to rebuild means satisfying the other person to a point where they're completely fulfilled.

Meaning for some people I've had some couples where the other partner absolutely has not been able to internationally travel for work anymore. They cannot internationally travel unless they travel with a partner now or their partner goes with them. That has been the cost. You want to keep me and you want to keep our three children in this relationship, then there's a choice. Your business trips, they turned out to not bring in so much business.

So they're not happening anymore. You can regionally travel as long as you're accessible, as long as you download this app and I can see where you are all the time, you take it or leave it.

And the person that's been betrayed needs to know that there's no shame in their requests. There's no shame in what they need in order to feel safe again.

and the person that has betrayed?

The betrayer, you need to be able to sit down on your own and think life's about to change. It's not going to be as easy and fun as it was. It's not going to be as free, at least not now until you can reach a place in your relationship again or this marriage where it feels safe and they can trust you. And then you're honorable with that trust.

So you need to sit down and think, am I ready for what's about to come out? Am I ready to be remorseful? Am I ready to go through all the levels of atonement that are required? And there's no six or seven stages. There's the stages that it's gonna take for your partner. What are the levels of atonement for them? Are they three? Are they four? Are they 12?

Is there a constant loop or repeat for them until they're completely done and they feel satisfied? You have apologized. You have said, sorry, you've understood their pain. You understand their yearning. We're not looking at on this episode, why you've cheated and the healing you need and going into the depths and the reasons and why you did what you did.

This episode is about you really being in a space for the person you've had and being able to understand do you have the depth to go through that and separately in your own sessions get the help as well because when I work with couples I'll work with them together but then I'll also work with the partners alone because a lot more can come out. A lot more can be said, a lot more can be shared and then it's

easier to know how to bring you both together in that session.

And then let's talk about the betrayal where there's some people who come into the sessions and they've come into them because the partner is really suspicious, but they're not willing at all to share that there was an affair. They're willing to end it. They need help to end that relationship now, but they're terrified and they're too scared that if they reveal this part of themselves, they will lose their partner.

Contrary to what so many people think is well, then you shouldn't have cheated Of course, that's why there's so many other deep reasons to why someone does Their pain their trauma the way they grew up what they're looking for Who they went and even cheated with wasn't sometimes even in the kind of person that they thought they would cheat with The different voids that they're filling inside of them the addiction to the sex

the reasons, multitude of reasons on that side. And if you're the person that's been betrayed and you want to understand their world better, then I'll do an episode as well. We can have a bit of a series going where you can start to understand why your partner cheated, what they're going through, why they behave the way they do, why they pull away, why they can't deal with the shame, why they walked away, why they blocked you, why they left.

But right now this is for the couples that are sitting here saying, I want to make it work. And the person that's been betrayed saying, I don't want to put in the work until I know you've put in the work to understand my pain. The next level, because there three levels, is the attunement level. The attunement level meaning you really honing down into what needs to be done to keep that relationship together. Does it mean you're showing up

on time? it mean you're working from home? Does it mean you've stopped a couple of the activities you had the freedom to do? Does it mean you have more family duty now because your partner wants to know you're fully invested? Does it mean that you have to let go of a partnership you had because there's proximity to the co-worker you had the affair with? What are the sacrifices you're willing to make now to show your partner they are number one? And you

really attuning to their pain. So you've atoned, you've been remorseful, you've gone on your knees, you've apologized, you've said sorry. But the attunement now is trying to understand where is my partner? What are they feeling? What could some of the triggers be? It's about you growing your bandwidth to being able to show up and say, what else do you need from me? How can I show up better? It's about you making an effort if you can't afford the therapy.

to instead of scrolling endlessly on social media, make an effort to listen to the podcasts, join the people that teach the Gothmans, for example, that really teach about how to come together and attune to your partner. It's about showing your partner you're making an effort to understand their world and never do what you did before. It's about showing your partner that

where they are in their world, you keep coming to join them. And if they move into anger, you're there. If they move into sadness, you're there. If they move into grief, you're there. If they're numb, you're there. You're the person now bringing solutions into the relationship too. You're the person that can surprise your partner by being able to be consistently attuned

to what they need and what the relationship needs.

I want you to really understand There's no time frame to the atonement phase. So we have atonement, attunement, and attachment, but there's no six months to atonement and then three months to the attunement phase and then we just get attached. I've actually seen that those phases can be intertwined. A lot of the times when there's infidelity,

You can go from the atonement phase, the anger phase to your partner suddenly wanting to attach to you, wanting you to attach them physically, physically wanting them, physically chasing them because they felt undesired for such a long time. They want to see you physically want them the way you wanted the other person. And then for some people, attachment is completely the last step. They're not willing to go there at all.

They're not willing to open up sexually to you. A discussion on intimacy and sex needs to be had. What does that look like?

How does your partner feel in the act, during the act? Do they close up? Are they able to? How does attachment look intimate wise in terms of communication, in terms of the repair, in terms of the repeated cycle? What do they need to be attached to you? What has to happen in their world for them to feel safe physically with you?

emotionally where are they mentally, where is your partner? Some people need sex to feel attachment again. I know a lot of anxiously attached people, sex is very important to them. But sex and intimacy are two completely different things. You can be having sex to

feel a void for the lack of communication, for the lack of your partner showing up and you just feeling like we have something. We don't have anything else going on in the relationship. I can't seem to get anything else out of my partner, but they want me sexually. But intimacy is a whole different game. Intimacy is stepping into your partner's world, going

into what makes them tick emotionally. Being present to them not only during the day because you want something at the end of it. Being present in their world to learning them again, learning touch again, touching them sensually, mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally again. Almost redating your partner again. It's like the links

that went to making a relationship work. There are millions of all these links that you had. When infidelity happens, it's not just one link that breaks. Multiple links in that relationship are broken. And for some people, they don't want to rebuild that relationship there again.

For some people, it's a brand new relationship. And the Gothman say it's like having a second marriage, a second relationship. For some couples starting again, now with the right help, it can be a really beautiful relationship, a beautiful foundation. For some people who got into a relationship really early and you didn't discuss all the things that were so important, now you get to as a couple.

Now as you rebuild this really dark time in your life, you get to shed little light again and have some of the conversations you never got to have. You get to rediscover each other again. And some of the rediscovery is so painful because you're doing it with someone you feel, don't know. But if you get atonement right, if you get the remorse right, if you can put an end to the suspicion, if you can show up in the right way to

all the triggers they have and hold their pain in those triggers, your partner will really slowly start to trust you again. You have to remember that you are also working with their nervous system. Their nervous system will move from fight and flight. It will settle into freeze. It will completely numb out. They might fawn and try to pull you back in.

But if you've been betrayed, you should know that it's only going to work if you can put certain boundaries in place now that give you respect, that give you honor, that allow you to be cherished and seen and make you feel safe. And if you have a partner not willing to work with you, then that's a good place for you to really question this relationship. It's okay for you to say, then I'm willing to walk away.

Because a lot of people, the part where your partner atones for their mistakes is passionate, quick, fast, and then their guilt sets in and they're not comfortable with that world. They're not comfortable with the world, especially if they're avoidantly attached to sit in the world of emotion. And for a lot of people, they're not skilled to deal with the infidelity. And that can be the breakdown for a lot of relationships.

because you're going to your partner to say, you caused this damage, you fix it. I'm not going to do the work. And the partner might turn around and say, I don't have the skills to do it. I really don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to sit with your anger and I don't know how to sit with a lot of your pain. Well, one of the ways you start to do that is by leaning in to your discomfort, leaning into your partner. They didn't ask for this to happen. They didn't ask to be a part of your betrayal.

They stayed loyal. They wanted to have this relationship work. So if you really are avoidantly attached and you're wondering, how do I make my relationship work? Now is the time for you to really lean into that relationship and start to develop the muscles to the emotional world because your partner is not here to logically have a relationship with you.

And if you don't have this skill set, then you need to let your partner know because they are truly grieving. You cannot understand the world of pain that comes up for someone that has been betrayed. The questions, the fact that you've probably killed a version of them, you've destroyed a version of them that will not show up to that relationship anytime soon. A version of them that was trusting, loving, soft, empathetic, compassionate.

human. That version of them is now being questioned.

So you have to be able to develop the emotional capacity. And for a lot of people, if you cannot sit there and get through a conversation, write them an email, write them a letter, let them know you understand their pain and their world. That's your first step. You're probably going to have to do that multiple times, but it means a lot when someone can hear.

that you get it and then their next step is what are you willing to do to make sure this never happens again? How do I trust you? How do I know this won't happen again? What are the new rules in this relationship that you both have to get comfortable because before those rules and boundaries were not there because there was a whole lot of trust? What are the new rules? And then what's the consequence if it happens again?

This is something really important couples have to deal with. If this happens again, is it clear that financially XYZ is put in place? Is it clear that a separation will just immediately happen? Is it clear that I'm not willing to do this again? Because I've seen many couples not go through that step. And then when the infidelity happens again, they're left blindsided again and now scrambling to think, what do I do?

and I can't leave financially.

So you're right in the relationship is to say, how do we move forward with this financially in society? Are we keeping this quiet? Are we working on this quietly? Are we going to let some community members know that a couple of steps are going to be taken back? Are you taking some time off from being CEO or whatever role you have to play to put some extra effort into the relationship? If not, because you're in a financially tough

place, both of you, then where do we emotionally connect? Where is the time given to have these pertinent answers, questions, conversations, repeat off all of them over and over? Because remember, your partner will probably ask you the same question in 70 different ways because they need to know you're saying the truth. You might have a tracker on your car.

They might be following your every move. They might go see the person you had the affair with. They probably want to know who the competition was. It's not an easy and a fun step. So if you both are considering making it work, then really you've got to give your partner that you betrayed a lot of the energy and trust. They need to know

what your ability is going to be, what are you doing to make it work, how are you going to show up, and they're going to test you. And if you keep failing, then you got to be ready for how ugly that's going to feel. It's not going to be fun.

And what are you consistently going to show up to do?

so that they can feel safe with you again in a new world, in a new relationship with you. What does that look like for your family? Do the older children know? Do they not? What's the repentance there? Because there many people whose kids have found out what they've done. It's not been fun. But I know a lot of people who have turned around and really come out of it. For the wrong word, like a gentleman or like a good woman.

in terms of really teaching their children, you can make a big mistake like this, but this is what I'm willing to do for mom, this is what I'm willing to do for dad, and this is what I'm willing to do for the family. And I have talked to a lot of children who turn around and say, sometimes it wasn't the cheating, the affair, or the infidelity that hurt. It was sometimes the lies, and what changed it was the fact that their character changed.

So they cheated, but I have a lot of respect for the way they showed up. They taught me I can make a mistake in life and this is how you step up to it. And for some people the shame is just too big. For some people the guilt is too big. For others the ego is too big. They cannot move past their ego. And so you have a right to know you don't need to be in a relationship with someone that's not willing to work through your pain.

It could have been a year, two years, you've given them space, they ask for the space and they're not willing to show up, but they want you to know, love you, I love you, please don't leave, I love you. But that love's it's not translating into any action. You're not seeing or experiencing the relationship you feel you deserve, which you do deserve to have now.

And so for some people, they walk away after giving it some time. And others, they get to make it work.

If you're the person that's been betrayed, what are some of the things you can start to do to also on your own feel better? I want you to know that it's so normal to go through the panic, the shock, the shame, the confusion, the numbness. It's so normal for you to experience the levels of anger or numbness that you have. It's normal for you to

Literally feel like you're a baby craving safety from the person that's hurt you and be confused about it Everything you're going through your journey is yours. It's unique to you But what you could slowly start to do that will really really really help you is start journaling this Get help, but also start journaling how you feel. Don't miss a day of journaling. Trust me

The other thing I would tell you to do is honestly move your body. It really helps you to move your body, to change your physiology, to change your state. And while your state might not be on a high and it doesn't have to be, just that movement, the gentle walks, getting out there. You don't have to go for a run if you don't want to. You can go for a run if you want to. It's all up to you, but movement is key.

Really taking care of that because it allows your nervous system to also get a breather and a flow. If you're going through the spirals, breathe. Breath work really helps. Putting your hand where that tension and tightness is.

some gentle piano music, just listening to that and breathing. For some people, religiously, listening to the Bible, listening to Quran, something that can ease that pain and bring you comfort and sometimes getting you closer to God even as a couple is a beautiful step.

I want you to really understand you are truly enough and there's a deep abandonment that takes place when betrayal happens. There's an abandonment of you left me, you knew what it would mean if you cheated, you knew what that would do to me and I

feel completely abandoned, sometimes by the response you get of their anger, of them pulling away, of them leaving you confused and in pain thinking, wait a minute, you cheated on me and you're angry? You cheated on me and you've left? You cheated on me and you need space?

It's very normal for you to be in a hollow, dark place. That's fine. And sometimes, like Simon Sinek says, you just need someone to sit in the muck with you. You don't need anyone sometimes to honestly just make sense of it and fix it. Sometimes you need a solid, good cry. You need to just let tears fall. You need to be OK with being depressed because that's the season you're in. It's not a lifetime.

Sometimes our seasons are not a day and they're not a week. Sometimes they're weeks and months. Sometimes a season can be a year, but this is not the rest of your life as a couple and as an individual.

But what's the most important thing is being really present to your emotions and how your body feels. Are you lethargic? Are you drained? Are you tired? Do you want to come home from work and have a shower and just get into bed? Do you not want to cook? The most important thing right now is really taking care of your mental health in a time like this. Eating best you can, as best as you can.

There are some comfort foods but that shouldn't be an everyday thing. It's a reality to reach out for the burger, the chocolate, the ice cream. And the other really important thing is having the right support system even if it's just one person. Even if you just need to reach out to me in the DM section. For some people in Instagram, my DMs have become their journal.

It's where they just go to write how they feel and someone just sees it Validates it reassures it and sits with it Doesn't need to make it better because I'll always ask Do you need me to sit in the muck with you or do you need me to help you? What are you looking for? Because sometimes you also know the answers

And a lot of the times you just don't have the energy to follow through. You just want to curl up there and let tears fall. And that's okay. There's no shame in being in a really dark season. Affairs, infidelity, betrayal. This is not a one month solution and everything ends up being okay.

want the person that's betrayed to be able to understand that there has to be no more lies. Absolute transparency and it's not going to be at your comfort level anymore.

If you want this relationship to work, have a right to know. The person who's been betrayed has a right to know that this is not going to be comfortable. So I don't see them rushing to make it so comfortable for you immediately.

You have to be okay with ending the affair. For some people, grieving the affair. It's not fun. It's not fun to let go of sometimes the person you think you've fallen in love with. But that's why I said, think about the choice you want to make. Do you want the mistress or the mister you got? Or you want the person that's by your side right now? Because either way, you need to cut this pain that they're in.

You're responsible for it fully. You have to take responsibility for making that relationship work again. You have to take responsibility for their mental health and the overall health of the relationship as well, because you're going to build a brand new one. You might ruminate and have beautiful memories from the old one, but very rare does someone want to continue from that. This new relationship has to be you and me only.

and the kids. That's it. No one else gets to be a part of it.

It's really important that if you've been betrayed, that you understand being in the relationship doesn't mean you settle. You shouldn't settle. You shouldn't settle for how they show up, how they shout. And definitely please don't show up if they're abusive. They don't get to be physically abusive and they don't get to be emotionally abusive. They might be levels of anger and defensiveness that come up for them.

Obviously, because nobody wants to know that this is what they've done to the person they love, but that's different to them lashing out on you and making you carry the weight now of the betrayal, making you carry the weight of the relationship going wrong. No, absolutely no. That's a boundary. That's a line. You're not supposed to settle. You're supposed to be shown

Consistency in action, consistency in remorse, consistency in dealing with your triggers to a point where your heart cools down, your temper cools down, and you're able to discuss things from a softer way as well. And the person that's betrayed you, you need to understand you don't get to tell them when enough's enough. Enough will be enough when you show up better. So it's on you. How

Not fast, but how your partner heals is also on you fully. Responsibility, accountability doesn't mean I said, sorry, I took responsibility. I took accountability. I said, sorry, my God, what more do you want? Then you're not ready to be in a relationship if that's how you're thinking. Because a relationship really requires maturity. It requires grit. It requires consistency. It requires an effort that is beyond yourself. It requires

emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, it requires sex, it requires love making, it requires a whole level of spiritualism. It requires you giving off yourself, opening up yourself. Now you opened yourself up to the world of an affair, you opened yourself up to betrayal, to betray. Now you open yourself up to remedy, to rectify, to heal somebody else.

Betrayal trauma can mimic post-traumatic stress disorder. It can mimic it by you questioning how you feel. It can mimic it by you obsessively checking their texts and emails. It can mimic it by you following them. It can mimic it between swings of rage, softness, despair, numbness, confusion.

Hopelessness, hope.

You can end up questioning your memory. You could end up questioning your worth. You could pin your worth to them in that affair. You could end up taking your worth back. It could be an absolute yo-yo.

You could feel like your reality is distorted, which it is. You could feel like you've lost sense of time. You could feel unbelievably numb and question, why am I completely numb and not crying and not screaming anymore? Your nervous system is unbelievably fired up and exhausted and it's looking for safety. It's looking to just find some sort of regulation in its own way.

because it needs to rest as well before it goes through that whole loop again.

and you can completely feel like you've lost yourself.

Betrayal, trauma is not something we take lightly. It has changed your world. It's completely upside down. It's sideways. Nothing about it makes sense. Your world is not round anymore. It's not flat either. It's just you don't know. One day it exists, one day it doesn't. One day you're ready to jump in, one day you're out. One day you want them gone, one day you want them present.

It's unbelievably normal. And I wanted to create so much space on this episode for you to not feel shame and not rush to fix anything. To really be where you are. And to be seen. And to not feel horrible about feeling depressed and crying and not having the energy to do much. Showing up every single day is unbelievable.

There are a lot of people that have suicidal thoughts after infidelity and betrayal. It's not a joke. You are marrying and trusting one person in your life who has got you because they are the person who's been part of all the stories of hearing all the other people that let you down. So you didn't expect them to hurt you and let you down too. So it's normal to feel

lost, confused, depressed, dark, exhausted, energetic. You're going through a lot and I really want you to know your scene. And I want you to cry it out if that's what you're feeling. If this is finally the one safe space that you've gotten, then just let your tears fall.

It's okay to curl up. I got you. I know you might not see it. I know you might not feel it. But I do. Energetically, I send you so much light, so much healing energy. I got you. You can DM me anytime. Doesn't cost anything to send me an Instagram DM at shazmeenbank.

It's easier for me on Instagram because I can voice note. But if you want to reach out to me on TikTok as well, just tell me your story. That's okay. Sometimes typing it out really helps to get it out. You haven't said it to anybody. Sometimes you've just kept it inside and it really hurts. And if your partner blanked you and walked away, then that's a whole other level of pain you're dealing with.

So it helps to journal it, it helps to share it, it helps to speak it, it helps to vlog it. Or you could even just send me a long email. My email is shazmeen at shazmeenbank.com. And if you Google me, you get the exact perfect spelling. Sometimes just typing out what you feel in a safe space to somebody that's going to read it.

and hold room for what you feel. Just feel safe as well. So if you're both going through this phase, remember there three steps that the Gothmans have seen as tested, especially when you get help, which is atonement, attunement, and then attachment. Coming back to each other, rebuilding that attachment, and a lot of the times after infidelity and betrayal, sometimes with the right partner.

that attachment phase.

It can be really exciting. It can be the most crazy, passionate sex you've ever had. It can be the most beautiful lovemaking you've ever had. It could be the trips you've always wanted to take as a couple. It could be the renewal of the marriage and relationship you really did need. That attachment phase can be really beautiful.

So if you're the person that has betrayed your partner, this video is to just really create space for them. And we'll look into why you did what you did so we can create room for you too, because we care about your mental health too. We care about you too. You matter as well. Because remember, if we make sure you're okay, then you can make sure they're okay, right? But...

I wanted this video to be where you get the strength this time because you have it. To create space for your partner to feel loved and seen and their pain to be held and their yearnings to be expressed. So I really hope this video shed some light, ease some pain, stretched out some discomfort.

allow you to know that your pain is valid and it's seen, give you some guidance on just some very easy start to steps on how to be able to just start making that relationship seem easier. And it might feel like you both are in a really dark space right now. And I rather you're both in that dark space, but you're in it together.

as opposed to one person being in a dark space. Your partner might cast you out, you might be the villain in their story for now, but if you humble yourself and you really seek forgiveness and then you consistently put in the action to let them know they can start to slowly trust you and rebuild what the vision of your relationship is again and you become

the thermostat in their life. Doesn't matter what the temperature is, you keep adjusting to being what they need you to be. You're solid, you're strong. Eventually, that beautiful relationship vision for the two of you, the new one, can start to be built again. And really, it can be an exciting time. It can be beautiful to explore each other again. It can be beautiful for your partner to understand

some of your trauma and why you did what you did. Because for a partner to want to make a relationship work with you, it means they really love you. Don't take that for granted.

See your partner for the amazing person they are. They see a gift in you. They see a love in you. They want to make this relationship work. That's why they're still there. It's a beautiful chance for them to also come into your world and see how you grew up again and why you did the things you did. But no relationship will survive betrayal if the person who caused the betrayal

puts a timeline and a stamp on what the other person's healing should look like. Or if they're not willing to show up to it, or if they demand respect and demand for the other person to stop behaving a certain way. Betrayal really can only be built from the ground up again when the betrayed person

feel safe enough to trust the betrayer. And the betrayer can start to lose that name.

you can finally come out of the dog house. And the only person that has the right to pull you out of that is the person that you love that you betrayed.

So I hope as a couple, both can walk away from this episode with more grace to the past than that's been hurt. And we can give them the time they deserve to heal and let them know that they deserve to be seen, that their pain is valid, the repetition of it. Go over and over and over and over again, it's okay.

Wake up happy for a month or three months or six months and you go through the pain again, that's okay. You're supposed to say, got you. For the better or worse, all those vows you made need some brand new vows with some serious maturity and some serious strength that I know you have. I believe in you. I believe you can hold your partner up. I believe you can

Walk up to your partner today and tell them you don't want them to be crying in secret anymore. I want you to walk up to your partner and say, when I ask you how you are, really mean it. want to hear it. And I want to ask all the right questions again. Some of those right questions are how are you feeling? Is anything coming up for you today? Do you have questions for me? Do you need me to repeat something again? Am I on the right track to heal us? Tell me.

And I believe in you both. And for the person listening that feels hurt and their partner walked out on them, I got you in another episode. But I see you too and I hold that space and I hold room for you. And it's only through episodes like this we can start to create a safe community and hold people accountable in a safe way.

and allow people to grieve and not feel shame for it. I love you guys. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. It's such a privilege and an honor to keep creating more of these for you, more of these episodes. And on Thursdays, I answer your Q &A's. And surprisingly, for the last three weeks, a lot of them are in betrayal.

You guys got this. Don't forget you can watch this episode on YouTube, can watch it on Spotify, or you can listen on Spotify, you can listen on iHeartRadio, you can listen on Amazon Music. All the places that Buzzsprout will sprinkle this episode. You can literally search it and

I believe in you both again.