"How Avoidant Partners Can Love Someone with Anxious Attachment"

I know what it feels like to have your partner want to take an interest in your world. How lonley and sad it can feel when you love and feel so empty inside. Anxious partners are givers and you also really need an avoidant partner to step up and do their part. xx Love Shazmeen.

 In this episode, Shazmeen Bank explores the dynamics of anxious and avoidant attachment styles in relationships. She emphasizes the importance of understanding the needs of an anxiously attached partner and how avoidant partners can better support them. The conversation covers topics such as emotional safety, communication, reassurance, physical affection, and the significance of fostering independence and growth within the relationship. Shazmeen highlights the necessity of co-regulation and the role of both partners in creating a secure and fulfilling relationship.

Take Aways From This Episode:

• Anxiously attached partners often feel neglected and unseen.
• Avoidant partners can learn to better support their anxious partners.
• Setting boundaries is crucial for anxious individuals.
• Emotional safety is essential for a healthy relationship.
• Consistent communication helps alleviate anxiety in relationships.
• Physical affection is vital for anxiously attached partners.
• Reassurance is a key need for those with anxious attachment.
• Independence and personal growth should be encouraged in relationships.
• Understanding abandonment fears can improve relationship dynamics.
• Co-regulation is necessary for a secure and loving partnership.

Thank you for spending this time with me. If this episode touched something in you, I hope you know that you’re not alone. Healing isn’t linear, and love real love starts with how you show up for yourself.

If something I said resonated, moved you, or made you feel seen, it would mean so much if you took a moment to leave a review or share this episode with someone who needs it. That’s how this message reaches hearts who are quietly hurting and still holding on to hope.

You can connect with me more deeply over on Instagram @shazmeenbank or TikTok @shazmeen_bank, or explore 1:1 or couples coaching with me at www.shazmeenbank.com.

And if you ever want to share your story or ask me a question, my inbox is always open at Shazmeen@shazmeenbank.com.

You are worthy of safe love. You are worthy of peace.

 And you’re already on your way there.

With love,
 Shazmeen

Chapters

• 0:00 Understanding Anxious Attachment
• 0:30 The Role of Avoidant Partners
• 6:22 Building a Secure Relationship
• 12:34 Communication and Emotional Attunement
• 18:59 Creating Predictability and Safety
• 20:53 Understanding Anxious Attachment
• 28:10 Building Trust and Communication
• 34:09 Nurturing Emotional Connection
• 40:28 Creating a Safe Space for Vulnerability

Transcript

Shazmeen Bank (00:00)
Welcome to another episode of Love Better and this is your host shazmeen Bank and you know that you can bank on me. In today's episode, I really wanted to dedicate it to those that are anxiously attached and for a change have our beautiful, fearful avoidant and dismissively avoidant partners tuning in to listen to this episode so that they know what their anxious partner needs of them. And now I know you might be thinking

avoidance, don't scour the internet to look for how to be present to their anxiously attached partners and it's more the anxiously attached partners job to constantly bring information to their relationship to change the relationship to mold the relationship to fight for the relationship to hold on to the relationship and to a lot of times stay in some relationships a lot longer than they need to

that I really have seen an uprise of avoidantly attached people, be it dismissive or fearful avoidant, wanting to really show up better for their partners, wanting to understand who is my anxiously attached partner. Because very often you will have the anxiously attached partner put in the work and grow and...

move more into being securely attached and by the time they're already at that, that has stemmed from the exhaustion of having been anxiously attached.

not receiving the love and the fulfillment that they wanted in the relationship being really drained and exhausted of Feeling neglected and unseen and like they're constantly walking on eggshells in the relationship They are so tired of being rejected They're so tired of feeling like they're the only people really in pain feeling a deep loneliness in their heart and A lot of times it can also be because they're with somebody that's abusive emotionally or verbally

or physically. And now they've just hit a point where they know maybe I cannot physically leave this relationship, but I'm looking to emotionally leave the relationship. And so when they start to grow to be more secure, it can either be something beautiful for them, which gives them the strength to be able to say, I can now walk away from this partner. Or if I must stay in this relationship, then I know how to better protect myself, better show up for myself, not put myself

in a position where I'm getting used, abused, walked over. I can learn how to set better boundaries. I can speak up for myself. I'm not in a people pleaser role constantly. My nervous system is not stuck in fawning all the time. I can be more assertive and it's really scary. It's shaky for somebody that's anxiously attached to have to grow to be more secure. It leaves them feeling empowered that they're

finally understanding their core wounds, their belief systems, why they have succumbed to some of the relationships they're in. But a lot of the times we do also have people that are anxiously attached and avoidantly attached

and their relationship is not doomed. It is not a relationship that's abusive, that's toxic to be in. A lot of the patterns and the cycles that you both go through can leave you both feeling extremely wounded, extremely alone and exiled from the relationship. Feeling like you're two separate people. And very often in that kind of relationship, the anxious person gets depleted and then they go...

fill up on the rumination, on listing all the amazing things that their partners have ever done, sometimes doubting some of the negative things about their partner, sometimes doubting that the relationship might not even be something that's healthy for them, and...

they can fill up on their gas tank and then come and pour back into the relationship again. But so often you do have couples that are just madly in love. They really want to be together and they don't want their attachment style to be pulling them apart. And the avoidant person is in therapy. The avoidant person is getting help. They're understanding why a lot of their dismissive distances

saying behavior is the way that it is, the root causes of it, and then a lot of times the massive impact not only on themselves but in their relationships. And you have to recognize one thing is when you work with people that are avoidantly attached, they go through a period of a lot of pain when they recognize

how much of their lives they have spent really solo.

even if it's with friends, even if it's been in big family groups, but they recognized that a lot of the relationships they all had were, you know, at an arm's length and it was all at protection of themselves. So this episode, I know that you could have anxiously attached people just sitting there saying, shazmeen you know, I want to learn about my partner. I want to learn how to give more to my partner. But I feel for a lot of anxiously attached people that are not growing to be more successful.

you

on they're more still in the bubble of being anxiously attached. The gift you can give them as somebody that is avoidantly attached is understanding what does it take to be in a relationship with my partner? What are they deeply needing from me? What can I also fulfill and

hold for my partner that I see them do on a daily basis, only for me, but for their friends, for our children, for their families. I can see that they're on a hamster wheel at constant go, all the time looking to please everyone around them. And now it's their turn to be understood. It's their turn to receive in the relationship as well, which if you're anxiously attached, you know that you're

so good at doing. You know that receiving is out of your element because you almost instinctively feel that if I receive love from my partner, number one can I trust it to constantly be there? So do I want to constantly receive from my partner, partner that might not be present to me all the time? So this is something for somebody avoidantly attached is to be able to understand your partner has a deep sense of

Can I rely on this? Is it consistent? How long will you show up this way?

Do I settle for the breadcrumbs and take the breadcrumbs and give you back a beautiful relationship where you, as somebody that's avoidantly attached, feel fulfilled in, you are loved, you feel seen, you feel adored, you feel like you found a partner that creates room for you and wants the best for you. And very often when the anxious partner receives breadcrumbs from you, they have this ability to give to you, but they're so

depleted, they're starting to build this anger inside. They're starting to build questioning inside on whether this is the right relationship or not. And so even though you might be receiving so much from them,

if they've been in a long spell, long enough of understanding the patterns of fear of being with you, where you can love them, you can see them, you have a way of fulfilling them in a way no one ever has. And when you pull away and you distance, they want more of what you were giving them. So they're willing to self abandon, lose who they are, lose the prospects of having children, having a career, isolating

from friends and family, letting go of a job, losing effort they put into wanting to go to university, wanting to do a master's degree. They have the ability to really shift their lives and mold it more around you. And they do that because you have this ability as someone that's avoidantly attached to really see them, really love them in a way they've never experienced.

and they will self-sacrifice anything to constantly receive that level of love. Now, if you're avoidantly attached, what is your partner simply asking of you? Could you please be consistent in how you show up for me emotionally? Meaning, I don't expect you as a partner to be perfect.

I don't expect you as a partner to fulfill me in every single way perfect. So let's take the pressure away from you as somebody that's already avoidantly attached that you need to constantly show up in such a perfect way for them. They want consistent, soft, calm, reliable love, which means

being curious to who they are, then consistently curious. Being somebody that really thinks about what is important to my partner, what's going on in their world, what's happening with their emotions, how are they feeling? My partner that's anxiously attached has been so wonderful in being able to be that for me. They've shown up with

supporting me in my business and being my backbone and helping me build a career from the ground up.

They have this amazing intuition that I've come to rely upon and

know as you're working as somebody that's avoidantly attached you will move between trusting what they have to say but then have this deep fear where you cannot trust either. So your anxiously attached partner wants you to be able to rely on them, rely on their judgment because it stems from not wanting to control you but really wanting to save the patterns and pain you both consistently have been going through. Because in the beginning

the anxious person went through a lot of the loops with you. they've gone through the anxious avoidant traps, they've gone through the death trap of not knowing how to fix you both, how to get you both out of where you are. and a lot of times it can come across like they're controlling and trying to maintain the relationship. they do that because they've come from the place where in leaving control to you or leaving the relationship to flow in the way that it

could flow, they've understood the relationship wasn't working that way. Both of us were disconnected.

The anxious person is so attuned to what you want. They are just craving somebody to be attuned to who they are. How do they tick? How do they think? What are their deepest desires? How do they want to be touched? How do they want to be loved? What's going on in their world? What's happening with some of the friendships in their world? How can you consistently take an interest in your partner? Because anxiously attached people might not even really listen to this episode.

They're the person that's looking for how to love you better and how to show up for you better. Because if they can do that, then they can hold on to you for longer. And I think as someone that's avoidantly attached, the next thing you need to do is put the anxious person out of their misery and let them know, not only will I consistently be here for you, not only am I not abandoning you, not only am I going to not walk away, but I'm somebody that's going to work on

the space that I consistently need from you and be active in showing up for you. So as an avoidantly attached person, you can work on your need to constantly withdraw your need for constant space to turn around and say,

Being in proximity to my anxious partner when they're not at high alert to hold on to me because they don't know when they're going to lose me actually feels really beautiful because when I'm consistently there for my anxious partner, when I consistently love them and I consistently give them time and time of affection, time of being seen, time of being heard, time of letting them speak and get whatever stresses

they have on their mind, whatever fears they have, whatever they've held in their heart out. When I can lean into the relationship and give my anxious partner that gift, you will see your anxious partner is not going to try to hold on to you in every single way possible. You as an avoidant partner can start to create a more secure dynamic in that relationship. And a lot of times we think this is only for the anxious person.

to do, but somebody fearfully avoid it when you can.

recognize that what scares my partner when I pull away and I distance, right? What does that look like? That looks like me needing deep levels of space, me feeling like this relationship's getting too intimate. This feels like my partner's knowing too much about me. I feel too open. I feel too vulnerable and I don't know how to just stay open. It's too scary because I don't know what I'm allowing in. vulnerable to attack and so you end up closing

up again and when you close up, you close up with your partner outside. You don't close up with your partner inside with you in a world where both of you can feel safe and cuddle and talk and understand what you're going through as the avoidant person. So in therapy or coaching, whoever you're working with as someone that's avoidantly attached, start to understand when I pull away and I withdraw, I am devastating my anxious partner. I'm making

them feel like all the effort they put into the relationship has gone to shits and they need to start all over again. I'm making my anxious partner feel that they're absolutely not worthy, that they're not good enough, that if they gave me all this love and they were available to me and filled me and sacrificed themselves and gave me all of this love, when you shut down a someone that's avoidantly attached and you pull away

4 days on end as well without the proper communication your partner goes right back to zero and is feeling I gotta do this all over again now you might have a thousand cycles inside of your anxiously attached partner where they can keep doing that until they get resentful they get exhausted they get tired of chasing you they don't want to be in this pattern anymore and yet you can

understand that they have this deep pain inside of I just want to be in a relationship that sees me with somebody that loves me with somebody that can fulfill me in a way that my partner does but all the time not in the deepest levels of perfection not in a way that has my partner feeling they have to lose a sense of who they are

but really in your partner feeling seen and seen for long periods of time. When you're avoidantly attached and you need to pull away for space, recognize, first of all, if you're going to consistently do that for amount of days, your anxious partner is spiraling. All they can think about is what they did wrong, how they've hurt you, how they could reverse time. They're playing the last couple of days before this long period of distance backwards

in their head, they're beating themselves up for wanting too much and being too much and

Nothing that the anxious person wants is unrealistic except when you tend to pull away and now you activate a part of them that builds this anxiety and brings anxiety into the relationship. For example, they text you and you leave them on unread and then they text you again and you go ahead and you read the message again and you don't respond. Now you're pulling out inside of your anxious partner a spiral of trying to get in touch with

you, trying to hold on to you, trying to be close to you. What you can do is respond to your partner. If your partner's text you, your partner's called you, and you're looking to make this relationship work,

Lean in more before your partner even texts you. Anticipate what they are longing for. Anticipate what they do for you, which means they wake up in the morning and if you're dating, they text you. They want to check up on you. Do that for them now. If they check up on you midday, do that for them now. Sort of fill the gap before they have to fill the gap all the time.

As somebody that's avoidantly attached, when you can show up stronger in your relationship to somebody anxiously attached, you're turning the relationship with all this unbelievable power. You're making it more secure. That's a superpower for you because you love to win. You love to succeed in the areas of your life. But you've always wanted to do that where there's been no emotional attachment.

Now if you want to make this relationship work, clearly your emotional attunement and the radar needs to be switched on to what does my partner need.

Could I do today that will make my partner feel safe? How can I show up for my partner? My partner's told me in a multitude of ways what they truly need of me. My partner's discussed with me nonstop where the relationship is not working. How can you just start there to be attuned to them and start to look at the ways where you can fulfill them, pull through with the communication?

If you feel this deep need to pull away, to run away and you're getting overwhelmed, communicate it to your anxious partner. They love nothing more than being in your world and feeling like they please you, but the gift we need to give them is pleasing them too. It's showing them that you're not in a one-sided relationship. It's showing them that you don't need to be the glue, that I can come and meet you more than halfway as well. I can let you

you rest. I can let you not be in a spiral of having to be perfect. I can let you sit there and ponder and think and I can be curious to your world on what's going on. What are your interests? What has changed for you? I can date you and love you and romance you but I can also have normal days with you because that's very much what anxiously attached people want as well.

It comes across like they want so much. They want to hold on to you. They want to suffocate you. That only is a result of you always pulling away and not being consistent with them.

that ends up being a result of them feeling exhausted and exasperated on how much more to be silent, on how much more to be on eggshells, on how much more to be perfect for you, on how much more to protest, on how much more to work with their own nervous system to just please you, to have you not pull away, to have you invest in the relationship. And they're exhausted and tired from learning how to be in 5,000 different ways

with you to just have you give them a little more. So the gift is for you to start saying, how can I show up for my partner without them feeling drained, without them feeling exhausted and without them feeling like they have to numb themselves to be with me.

It is so important for your anxious partner to know that you are predictable, that you are there to consistently be there for them and you will be there to reassure them nonstop. The reassurance is also consistent and that's why consistency is huge for them because anything you do for somebody that's anxiously attached needs to come in with the lace of consistently doing that. It's not a hit and miss. It's not a one off. They need deep reassurance.

want to know that you love them. it's music to their ears when you affirm them and you let them know that everything they're doing for you is so seen and appreciated but for them to also see that you do for them too. that you go out of your way to surprise them. you go out of your way to make time to speak to them, to hear about the things that are the most important to them.

They need constant communication. You're not going to be happy in a relationship with someone that's anxiously attached if you cannot constantly commit to communicate with them. Their love language is to be with you all the time. Their love language is to be seen by you. Their love language is to be needed by you in the same way that if you pause and think about how does my anxiously attached person love me?

They message all the time, they text all the time, they're constantly available for me, they make time for me, they create room for me, they look for ways that I can feel safe. Take the same blueprint that they give you in a relationship and give it back to them. They

Love to know that they're with somebody that values their hard work, that values everything they might have sacrificed to really be with you. Somebody that's anxiously attached could have gone against their family, against society, to fight to be with you, to move countries with you, to give up their career to be with you.

They want constant reassurance and validation that what you've done is worth it. Which means when you celebrate an anniversary with someone anxiously attached, celebrate it not for the one year that we've been together or the 10 years we've been together. Celebrate it for thank you for all the sacrifice you've made so we could have had the relationship where we are. Because to be very honest, until somebody is more avoidantly attached and more awakened to wanting to make that relationship,

work, it's very likely that the relationship has gotten where it has because of the anxious person. Good or bad, with the anxiety spirals or not, with their protest behaviors being activated or not, the relationship has reached the point that it has.

because the anxious person a lot of times has had to push away their sadness, their longings, their desires, their wants aside to be very much there for you all and hope that one day you will give them that back. So when you can start to just freely reassure them, tell them how you see them, tell them how much you love them, communicate with them that you understand you might be coming across a bit distant. This is something you're really

working on. Let them know what your thoughts are. Let them know when you feel you are looking to pull away. They seek to feel safe in your openness, your vulnerability to express and share with them. They get so exhausted and tired having to pull out information from you that it leaves them feeling like they're this lawyer and a detective in the relationship and they don't want to be a lawyer. They don't want to be a detective in the relationship. They really want

to sink into your warmth, your love and your safety. They want to be able to also feel that they have a partner that pushes them to be independent. They have a partner that sees their gifts, their strengths, their ability to go do business and go do all the things in the world that they can achieve. And they have a partner that says, I want to support you doing that. You could have a partner that's unbelievable artistically and you want to be the person that says, my God, I

took your paintings and I've put them in an exhibition or I've signed them up for an exhibition or I went and showed your paintings out there in the world and people want to buy them and your partner could turn around and go wow like I never thought someone could do that for me I'm the person that feels I'll support you do all of that for you but then I'm so exhausted and depleted at the end of it I don't have the energy to succeed in my own life externally independently without you

not being in a relationship, just me as a person. Who am I in a relationship and who am I when I'm not also with you in a relationship? And how do I grow to be on my own?

Wouldn't it be so beautiful as a partner if you can be the inspiration for your partner's gift to get your partner back into studying again, even after three children, to get your partner going for the job that they always wanted to do, to get your partner to have the strength to go ask for that promotion, to get your partner maybe to actually quit their job because you can financially take care of them and have your partner go, my God, like I think you should actually

follow through on some of these unbelievable strengths that you have. So push your partner to grow as much as they push you to grow.

allow

your partner to express with no judgment. Allow your partner to talk to you without them feeling like you've pulled away because they're so hyper vigilant to your body. They're so hyper vigilant to your nervous system deactivating so they can start to open up to you when you want them to and then when they notice you've pulled away, you've lost interest, they shut down. And they would love a partner that can lift their self-esteem that sees them

away they've never seen themselves but that's how they see you, that's how they show up for you. They're such an incredible beautiful loyal partner. What if you could be the same for them? What if you planned the trips? What if you planned the dates? What if you did beautiful things they just somehow maybe sadly stopped expecting from you?

What if you met them more than halfway in the sense where you told them that I'm going to show up and do a lot more for the kids now. I'm going to start cooking. I'm going to chip in and clean even more. I'm going to take the stress off you while you do all these unbelievable things as a human being and then still show up for me as a partner. Still love on me. Still ask me about work. You're still curious about what happened with my coworker. You're still curious about how I'm building my business. You're curious about how I make

money. You're curious about how to help me make that money. The partner is someone that's anxiously attached. can see instinctively that this person's not good for you.

The anxious person's whole world is you. And for a change, how beautiful would it be for them to know somebody can make them their whole world too. That you can strive to make that relationship more secure. That you can sit there and have conversations that have both of you expressing what you want more of the relationship from and them not feeling like you're getting defensive and for you not to get defensive.

It's for you to be steadfast and say, I love this as feedback. They're not being critical. They're giving me their experience. They're giving me what they would love more of and less of. That's communication in a relationship.

You anxiously attach partners, always hypervigilant, they're always monitoring for the highs and the dips in the relationship, they're always wondering when you pull away, they're always noticing your facial expressions, the way you breathe, the way you go into a man cave, or the way you hide out as a woman. They're always noticing that you loved on them, you were so warm, you were so kind, but then they notice when you walk into the kitchen and you're quiet.

you need to be able to start to put an ease to their nervous system. while it's also something they need to work on, the point of love, the point of partnership is so that we can bring beauty and bring a sense of stability to our partners, that we can be the people that are in their lives to make them a better person, to ease some of their suffering, to ease some of their worry. We're not in a relationship to say that's

something you need to work on because it complicates my life and I have my own crap that I need to work on. The point of being in healthy relationship is to make the person you're in a relationship with your number one fan and a relationship will always fail when your partner doesn't feel like a priority,

when they start to feel like a hobby or your work or your colleagues or your friends or your family is more of a priority to them. So you can start to ease some of their worries by showing up to them and asking them to make a list for you of some of the things they would love from you. What are the five things you'd love to see me do for you this week more of? What are some of the five things that really stress you out during the week that I'm

might unintentionally even be doing. I might have a great conversation with you on the phone and then when I bump into you in the kitchen, the anxious person is completely confused because they're looking to match the energy and warmth of the call with the physical meeting of you and you might be caught up in your own thoughts about work, about getting something done and the anxious person is truly hyper vigilant to why is there a disconnect? Why aren't you talking to me the way we just spoke on the phone? What went wrong?

Why do you have to do this? I'm now gonna go into activation and pull away. I'm gonna distance myself because love hurts. So in the beginning the anxious person might constantly lean towards you. They might be the person to come hug you. They might be the person to bridge that uncomfortable distance. But I would love if you took.

that stress away from your anxious partner and notice that if I'm about to be around my anxious partner, they will notice everything that's up and going on in my world. How about I communicate that to them? How about I just let my anxious partner know this is going on in my world right now? These are some of my thoughts. These are some of my fears. I'd love if you just sit with me on them. I'd love advice on them. Could we go for a walk? Because it's amazing when we go for a walk and we can just talk in that flow.

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I am able to communicate with you invest back in your relationship with your anxious partner They are so hungry for your touch. They're so hungry to be seen loved and adored by you They are so hungry to just have you want them that the way that they want you They want to feel like all their sacrifices have been completely worth it and the ways you can consistently do that is put them at ease be

predictable, be consistent, give them the reassurance. Notice when their self-esteem is low. Lift their self-esteem. Be the person that gives them the confidence. Be the person that puts your partner as the number one person in your life. I guarantee you when you can fulfill someone that's anxiously attached, you might already feel you're in a relationship with them where there's such a giver. You would be surprised how it can feel

for an anxious person to be a giver to you but with a breath, with them taking a breath in, not feeling exasperated to rock the boat, not feeling exasperated being the giver and not receiving anything back.

It's really important that you dive into their world and you start to see what you might take for granted or not notice on a daily basis. Is your anxious partner noticing everything? Noticing you did not make love today? Noticing you did not talk to them a specific way today? Noticing that you pulled away today? Noticing you didn't call them as much today? You didn't text them as much? You weren't looking for connection? Your anxious partner cannot thrive without connection.

literally taking a fish out of a water bowl and telling the fish it needs to be okay on its own. It needs to learn to breathe in a brand new environment. It's not going to be possible for your anxious person to have a relationship with someone that's emotionally disconnected, physically disconnected for them and mentally disconnected from them.

They thrive in closeness, but they can also thrive in a secure closeness, meaning when you can fulfill them, they don't need to be on the phone with you 24-7. You're building trust and safety inside of your anxiously attached partner. They don't need to call you 50,000 times because you bridge the gap by calling them as well, not leaving them feeling they're doing all the work. You're curious about the different ways you can come into the

relationship and ease their burden as well. They're also going to be taken aback to what they think is their perfection behavior to do everything on their own. When they have a partner showing up wanting to do things like that for them, it throws them off. Teach them how to be an amazing receiver. Love on them when they're sick. Massage their feet. Put their best show on and sit there and be curious about the series that they're watching.

Anxious people want someone to be involved in their world too. They want someone that wants to be around them as well, wants to be around them in their interests. If they love cooking, baking and reading, someone that comes to sit next to them with a book, someone that comes to sit with them in the kitchen as well. Because a lot of the times they will self-abandon some of those amazing things that they love to do because it means you're upstairs and they want to be around you.

you get off your comfort zone finally to be able to do things in a way that allows your anxious partner to feel fulfilled and like they get to do the things that light them up as well if they are somebody that

wants to go for a walk and wants to go to the gym and you've noticed they're not doing that because they are self-sacrificing that to be with you. How about you say, I'm going to be dropping you to the gym. I will drop you and pick you. And that way you go get your time. It's so important you get your mental health in check, but I will be right there to pick you up. This is the reassurance that they need from you, that you're invested in the relationship, that you care about them as well, that you

want to be with them just as much as they want to be with you and then of course the healthy need for autonomy comes when you have filled them and when you go out and do the things you love you don't have a grumpy partner waiting for you you don't have an activated partner whose nervous system is so charged irritated angry that the minute you walk through the door they're looking for connection now in the fight

You have a healthy system where your partner, when you walk through the door after going to do whatever it is you want it to do, has made you a cup of tea. Wants to come press your feet, wants to come stand with you while you're having a shower, wants to hear about everything that you did because they're also full. Their cup is full as well. They're not feeling neglected. So they're not feeling like connection with you is a fight. Connection with you only happens when I'm pouting, I'm down and now you're asking me what's wrong.

Or you noticing something's not right and then if you're not healing as someone that's avoidantly attached You run away you pull away because that scares you you don't want to lean in and see what's wrong Now instead you can lean in and say hey, what's going on? Give them a bit of a back rub. Give them a deep hug Hold them be their safe environment and then ask them what's going on? Tell me talk to me How are you feeling and then be a vessel to receive?

whatever it is that they're saying to you.

When you start to understand that at the core root of someone that's anxiously attached is a fear of abandonment, that would show you that your ability to be more open, to be more communicative in the sense of sharing with them where you are, who you're with, what's going on during the day, what's happening in the work environment. It sort of makes them feel that you're not so secretive, that you don't have a secret part of your life, that you have the ability to give them the

password to your phones. have the ability to go for a shower and not have to take your phone with you. You have the ability to be texting people and your partner can stand right next to you, be around you and lean in to see what's going on on your phone and you don't have to hide it, switch it off, put it away or show up in environments with them in the house where you've left your phone somewhere. They really value transparency. They value someone that's honest. They value someone that's

very open because they have a fear that you will abandon them by going into another relationship and by cheating on them. So their abandonment wound stems in many different ways. They feel this abandonment when you shut down and you won't communicate. They feel abandoned when you won't physically be with them intimately. They feel abandoned when you mentally don't take an interest in their world. They feel abandoned when you don't show up with curiosity to the important things going on in their lives.

They feel abandoned when they actually feel like they're running the household on their own or they're raising the children on their own. They feel abandoned when they're the only person caretaking and looking for ways for this relationship to not end but to thrive. So their self-abandonment wound is not just about you leaving the relationship, it's about you just not being emotionally present.

they don't know how to be with someone that has to constantly take this space and pull away. And it almost just leaves them instinctively feeling that if there's a gap in the relationship, they have to rush to fill it. So your ability to just be so on top of knowing this is something that affects my anxious partner will really move the relationship into a more secure place where they can start to trust you, where they can literally be the

and that feels this is my home, this is so safe. I don't feel safe with anybody else with my deepest secrets, with my deepest vulnerabilities and you put to rest that they will be rejected, that they are not good enough.

Your anxious partner really values physical touch. They value affection. You can't love a partner more than with affection and words of affirmation and then also doing things, big gestures to also make them feel seen and loved. Your anxiously attached partner is going to very much value the love making part of the relationship, but they also want the hand holding. They want the kisses. They want the hugs. They want you to come behind.

them and surprise them with constant physical connection. They want you to say come sit on my lap. They want to say come sit next to me. They want to watch a show with you and lay their head with you but that physical connection for them is absolutely everything.

So you initiating more physical contact for your anxiously attached partner would be amazing. Reaching out for them more, letting them feel desired, letting them know that they're beautifully attractive or so handsome and letting them know why you love them, constantly affirming.

and letting them know how well they're doing in the relationship and how you value how much they do do. But in a way where if you can hold that connection with them from emotionally being there and physically being there for them as well, you will have an anxious person start to grow to be more secure, but you will have someone giving you for the rest of their lives.

I really hope that these are some beautiful tips that will just help you start to understand where your anxious partner comes from, what they really need, and ways that you can show up to be there for them more.

This could very much end up being a podcast where the anxious person understands your need for space, understands your need to withdraw. But for a healthy relationship to work, you also need to be putting in the work to understand what does my partner need as well. You can get very used to them being the giver and you being the receiver, but it's really important for your anxiously attached partner to just feel like they're not alone in the relationship and they're not carving their way out of that relationship.

starting

to recognize that they're alone, that this relationship is so taxing and they need to get out of it. Instead they need to be in a home where they start to feel I have a partner that loves me, that communicates, that we go through the natural ups and downs with, that every day is not perfect but both of us strive to make sure each other feels safe and loved in the relationship. Each other knows that they are safe and loved in the relationship, that the relationship is transparent, that it's open, that when

when one of us is feeling like something is off.

there's an open discussion that's about to happen that I don't allow my partner to sleep knowing that they're deeply unhappy. I might not have the capacity to have that conversation at that time of the night, but I will hold my partner. I will let them know that we'll have this conversation tomorrow. I need some space to process what happened. Don't leave your anxious partner to go to sleep while knowing that there's something brewing in the relationship because they're very much going to sleep with tears rolling down their

eyes beating themselves up or hating themselves or hating the relationship. Instead be the partner that pulls them in, that holds them, that gives them, if I cannot give you the communicative reassurance right now, I'll give you the physical reassurance. I really believe both of you can make your relationships work. I think it does require so much patience and sometimes I think it just requires both of you to say let's just start again. We've both grown as two

completely different personalities. Let's just stop in this rat race right now of life and just come back to who are we at this moment in our relationship? What do you require? What do I require? How have I changed and how have you changed? And how can we come into this relationship now to start making each other feel full and feel giddy and feel happy but also experience the lows of life but then

that you're doing the low in life with somebody you cherish and love.

makes that so much more manageable. So it's not about learning how to be co-dependent on your partner, but it's learning how to co-regulate consistently with your partner. It's learning how to lean in. It's learning how to really, truly create a relationship where both of you feel that I don't want to be with anyone else. And when I'm done fighting the world out there, there's no one else I want to come home and spend the rest of my time with.

There's nobody that understands me more than this person and wants the best for me So I need to start changing someone's trying to control me and manipulate me when you're in a healthy anxious avoidant dynamic to my partner is just really looking for reassurance looking for love looking for Validation looking for connection. They could be feeling low about a disconnection with a friend with the boss with the parent and if I'm not

present to fill that up for them, to hear them, to listen to them, they're going to feel even more alone in their world. And part of being in a relationship is so you can be your best self.

And being with someone anxiously attached is going to pull out of you how to be more secure. And that is a beautiful gift you both are giving each other. So I loved doing this episode with you. Thank you so much for listening. If you are watching on YouTube, I'd love if you could subscribe and leave a comment. Let me know how you feel. The same if you're watching on Spotify as well. And if you're listening on Apple or Amazon Music, thank you so much.

appreciate the support with letting me know this episode resonated with you with a like and a comment because it fuels me to keep making so much more for you. Thank you so much for listening to this episode and I'll see you again on Thursday.