“Why This Heartbreak Feels Different: You Broke Long Before It Ended”

I could not find the advice i needed about having gone through heart break before I left. Before you left or they left! Not the normal heart break advice, after they leave you suddenly or you leave suddenly.

Most people think heartbreak hits the moment the relationship ends.

 But the truth is, some heartbreak begins long before the goodbye ever happens in the quiet places where you were breaking inside while still trying to hold everything together.

This episode is for the ones who didn’t fall apart the day it ended… because they had already broken a hundred times before that.

It’s for the people who:
 • cried in the relationship long before they cried after it
 • felt themselves slowly disappearing while trying to “make it work”
 • grieved a partner who was still physically there
 • lived in a state of quiet hope followed by quiet heartbreak
 • lost dreams, time, and versions of themselves trying to keep love alive
 • feel numb now, not because they didn’t care, but because they carried the pain for years

We dive into the heartbreak no one talks about
 the heartbreak of internal collapse, of losing yourself, of grieving a future you never got to live, and the slow emotional erosion that happens when love becomes a place of pain instead of safety.

• In this episode, you’ll learn:
•  why this heartbreak feels so different
•  why your nervous system is exhausted, not dramatic
•  why numbness is a trauma response, not a lack of love
•  why letting go feels like losing a life you already left internally
• how heartbreak becomes an awakening, not a failure
•  how to rebuild the parts of yourself you abandoned to stay

If you’ve ever thought, “Why am I not grieving like everyone else?” or “Why does this heartbreak feel so deep even though I was the one who left?” 

This conversation will finally put words to what your heart already knows.

🎧 Love Better Podcast (Spotify)

https://open.spotify.com/show/4TJF1rMoWmLBdQZveeSCnf

🎧 Love Better Podcast (Apple Podcasts)

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/love-better/id1740561464

🎧 Love Better Podcast (Buzzsprout)

https://www.buzzsprout.com/2335305

▶️ Love Better on YouTube (Your Channel)

https://www.youtube.com/@shazmeenbank

📸 Instagram — @shazmeenbank

https://instagram.com/shazmeenbank

🎵 TikTok — @shazmeen_bank

https://www.tiktok.com/@shazmeen_bank

▶️ YouTube — Shazmeen Bank

https://www.youtube.com/@shazmeenbank

THE PERSPECTIVE PODCAST:

▶️ YouTube

https://www.youtube.com/@theperspectivepodcastgs

🎧 Spotify

https://open.spotify.com/show/2Gre5RJxyF7fWcE3sQ8ZIT

📸 Instagram

https://instagram.com/theperspectivepodcast.gs

Chapters

• 0:00 Understanding Heartbreak: The Emotional Journey
• 2:47 The Grief of Letting Go: A Personal Reflection
• 5:38 The Complexity of Heartbreak: Beyond Standard Breakups
• 8:32 The Pain of Unmet Expectations in Relationships
• 11:21 Navigating the Stages of Grief in Heartbreak
• 14:08 The Awakening: Finding Yourself After Heartbreak
• 16:42 The Healing Process: Embracing Pain and Growth
• 19:51 The Role of Self-Compassion in Healing
• 22:52 The Power of Reflection: Understanding Your Needs
• 25:16 The Lessons of Heartbreak: Embracing Change
• 28:05 The Journey to Self-Discovery: Rebuilding After Loss
• 30:58 Creating Healthy Relationships: Learning from the Past
• 34:16 The Importance of Emotional Awareness
• 37:12 Finding Your Voice: Empowerment Through Heartbreak
• 39:52 Letting Go: Embracing New Beginnings
• 42:34 The Courage to Choose Yourself
• 45:22 The Transformative Power of Heartbreak
• 47:48 Awakening to Your True Self
• 50:30 The Path to Healing: Embracing Your Journey
• 52:31 Loving Yourself Better: The Ultimate Goal

Transcript

The Perspective Podcast (00:00)
Welcome back to another episode of Love Better. And I'm your host, Shazmine Bank. And I hope by now you know that you can bank on me. And today I really wanted to talk about heartbreak, having to let go, how do we move on. But not only from the perspective of someone has dumped me, this relationship that I was in came to an abrupt end. I never saw

or ever phantom that I would lose the love of my life. I never thought I would lose the person that I had built a vision with, a future with. I wanted to also address the other side of heartbreak and the heartbreak that we go through when we know we have to walk away from a relationship, when we know that we are in the process of exiting a relationship and the heartbreak

of still being in a relationship, of crying out in that relationship, of still hoping, of knowing that you are leaving, of knowing that you have made your mind up, of knowing that this relationship is not right for you, this person is not right for you. The relationship could be toxic, it could be trauma bonded, it could just be in a place where even if you were anxiously attached,

you are doing enough work to have been in a position to say I know I need to leave and the heartbreak until you do leave that you actually suffer in the relationship so that when you do leave the relationship physically you have gone through the emotional heartache before you left and so sometimes when you do leave

There is a numbing. There is a shock to your body and your nervous system. Because when you've been in a relationship that you've known is not right for you but you still love the person, you still hope they will change, you're still there until you're not. Because it's almost your way of being able to say there's a little hope and if you could finally work on yourself.

then maybe we would have a chance and all this grief and pain that I'm going through would have just been worth something. But I wanted to be able to address because I just in all the research I was doing about letting go and heartache and how to heal because I'm going through that process right now. I realized that I couldn't resonate to a lot of the information because I'm not in a place where I've got dumped and I'm not in

a grieving place of, my god, this was somebody I was gonna spend the rest of my life with. I'm in a grieving place of the time that I gave and the time that was spent. I'm in a grieving place and wanting to heal in a place where my heart is more open because I feel I went through my heartache before I left the relationship. And I realized

As I've talked to so many more people in this dynamic and so many more people who are going through a divorce or going through a separation, a lot of them that have come out of long-term relationships are turning around to say, how come we're not hurting like our teenage selves? How come we're not hurting like we've lost the love of our lives because we have? Why are we not in the pain that we should be

like all the other people that go through heartache or got dumped or got blocked after getting dumped and they're sitting there in shock and wallowing in the the pity and the anguish and the spiral of all the deep pain that they're feeling. How come we're not there? And I realized it's because no one talks about the heartache of being in heartbreak for such a long

The heartbreak of every time you wanted something in that relationship to work and it almost looked like it was going to there was almost always like a light it almost felt like they were gonna change their apology felt real this time because this time it wasn't the half-hearted I'm sorry because they need to move on with their day and they need you to get on with your day and they don't want this brought up again and they want to

move away from the topic. It's when you now almost feel like there's an apology and there was a bit of change this time. And maybe so they're going to change. And the heartbreak of each moment when those changes never happened. The heartache of the children you could have had that you didn't have because you were truly waiting for the relationship to reach a place so your body

could feel safe enough to nest, to have a child with this person. The heartache of maybe so many people feeling times past, I can't have children or I cannot have more children now. Or the heartache sometimes of I feel that I lost my sexuality in my 20s, 30s and 40s because I was with this one person that was probably addicted to pornography and couldn't sleep with me.

and never let me know that that was the case. And there you are staying trying to chase an entirely different problem in that relationship where they send you down little rabbit holes thinking that this could be the problem, that could be the problem, I could be the problem, my attitude's a problem. The fact that we're having a great day and I brought something to the table and it ruined the day, made and proved to me that I'm the crazy one. If I could change all those bits, it's grieving.

the parts of you that you so desperately put on pause.

for that relationship to work. And that if this relationship that I was in fell in place, then it's almost like all your dreams could start. Then you could go to the gym. Then you could have the children. Then you could go make all those friends. Then you could finally have the career that you always wanted. Then you could experience the passion and...

the sexual darkness that you wanted to experience with this one person you're in a relationship with. And all of that is deep, grieving pain.

We are hurting and no one recognizes or I just couldn't find anybody talking about the fact that we lose so many versions of ourselves and when you're in not a great relationship, when you're in a relationship that is for lack of better words toxic.

When you're in a relationship with a partner that is just not attentive to your emotional needs, when you're in a relationship with a partner that doesn't rise up to want to work on the relationship because they can see a future with you and they can see a future without you, there are so many levels of pain that your heart, your mind and your soul go through. And

That is a grief that I don't think anyone recognizes until you walk away. Until you walk away from a relationship that almost tormented your heart and your soul. And it's not putting the blame on the other person because part off the healing comes when you sit in your pain and you

bitterly realize the truth was you allow yourself to be in that situation. But the switch I have is to allow yourself to recognize that with compassion, sympathy, and empathy and grace because they are so many people that are in relationships because they financially cannot leave.

because they don't have the family supporting them to be able to leave, because they don't think they're worthy of leaving. And then when they do leave, there is a void and a gap of being able to digest how much heartache you went through on a daily, monthly, and yearly basis. And while there are some incredible

videos out there. An incredible podcast that will help you get through the standard breakups, which are extremely painful. But the standard breakup, mean, the breakup where you were dating, you saw your future with this person, you loved them, they loved you, you couldn't see a day in your life without them. And then out of the blue, they come and they break up with you and they will leave you with

excuse that they don't feel you're compatible anymore or maybe it is the truth maybe they don't feel that you're compatible anymore because they might have grown you've grown in different ways and you both just forgot to align again and maybe it could be the reasons you know where you're still young and they want to explore different relationship or you wanted to explore different relationship or the heartache of finding out the person you love so much

has cheated on you and you walked away or you find out that they cheated on you and you were willing to stay to make it work and they weren't. And then the heartache of they want to make it work if they cheated on you and you tried to make it work and you put your heart and soul into everything and it looked like it was all working and after a month they don't want you discussing the past, they don't want you bringing it up again and there's a very controlling narrative.

around how you can feel in that relationship or the grief you can feel or the anger you can feel. They control every aspect of how long you're allowed to feel bad, how long you can live in the past until you heal through something, how fast you should let things go, all because of the comfort they need and the discomfort of recognizing who they are when they do these things to you. And

This kind of heartbreak is a different level. It's a different level when you go through the heartbreak of, thought I was gonna marry this person, now I'm not. And it's a different level when you gave your time, you gave your years, you gave your youth to somebody with the trust that they would never hurt you. Let's talk about the grief around

trusting someone you never thought would hurt you and then the trauma betrayal when you recognize they're not the person you thought they were or they make you question your sanity around the information you just found out and then they think you're crazy or they use the Darvo against you you know where they deny the attack they reverse it back on you they become

the victim and then they go all out on you and you're left there completely confused. There's so many different levels to grief. And so if you are the person that's hurting right now and you're hurting because you just feel a deep pain and you cannot understand why

If you loved somebody so much, they couldn't change to make an effort or grow into the version you wanted. And I think sometimes the heart, the heartbreak that we experience is not the heartbreak of this person didn't do what I wanted. It's the heartbreak of what you tolerated and what you allowed. It's the heartbreak of the wounding inside of you.

that had you stay, the wounding inside of you that felt it could get better, the wounding inside of you that constantly had you feeling that if I just lose another piece of myself and give it to them, they could get whole. And if they get whole, then maybe one day they'll turn all their attention on me and finally see me and love me. And then I'll be able to be complete.

It's about giving your love to someone who was never collecting your pieces. And there's so much grief and pain before you walk away from a relationship that you know you are leaving. There's so much grief and pain from walking away from a relationship you have given your heart, soul, and life to and you feel like an absolute failure. A failure that

Why could I not get this relationship to work? What was wrong with me? What parts of me did I need to change? And I feel that we need to be able to be so gentle and kind when we're going through heartache because the truth is you're not initially going to be in a period to meditate. You're not initially going to be in a period to go out and smash the craziest

gym run or the craziest gym workout, you might be able to do softer smaller things. And there's some people who can maintain a certain routine with their fitness when they're going through heartache and that helps them even more. But there's a slowness that comes when you walk away from a relationship that was taking so much from you.

And when they say sit with it, sit with the feelings, sit with the anger, sit with the sadness, sit with the shock, sit with going back and forth on the bargaining on what you could have done better. I think the best advice you can get is watch all the grief stages you go through.

And then wait for when you might go right back through them again. Because I don't feel that the stages of grief work perfectly. I don't think we go from these moments of shock to the moments of anger to the moments of bargaining and then we slowly find this sadness and then we come into acceptance. I feel sometimes we might go through the shock and then we might go through anger.

we might stay in anger for a long time, we might go back into shock, because sometimes we have this cognitive dissonance about the things that our partners did. Our brains don't align with the belief we have about this person versus the actions and how they've made us feel. Our brain is in complete shock with how they treat us versus

going back to the moments when they've treated you so well. When they can love you and they do love you. And it's all in small little bits. And you're sitting there hoping that somebody could just make sense of this person that you love, that you see, that you adore. And the fact that you see when they do love you, it's almost like you see their heart. You see the purity in it. But then all their masks and all...

their labels come on and the shielding comes back and they could be treating you a certain way that has you in this loop of is this my reality? Is this happening to me? Where you go into text messages and you're thinking well last week this is what you said to me or just yesterday we had this entire experience together as a couple and so I don't understand how between yesterday and today

We're in the worst fight of our lives again for the 700th time. How do I hold on to the good moments, the good parts of you? And so there's grief and also going through the back and forth so many different times that at some point your nervous system is just so exhausted. It just goes numb.

because it needs to still keep you safe. And for some people that have been through so much trauma, from a relationship, that numbness can last a while. And you could be busy doing, you could be busy working, you don't have the time to probably just sit and process and address and look at what you're feeling. You're busy and you are distracted because you have to be distracted because you've got to be able to earn and take care of the kids. And so you're...

healing pace is completely different, which is perfectly fine. But sometimes you go through grief multiple times. You shed so many different layers of yourself, I feel, until you reach that point inside of you where there is an opening. This opening is your awakening to who you are.

to what this breakup has taught you. And not the breakup of just walking away, the breakup that you've experienced multiple times in that relationship. The breakup of losing a sense of your identity. You were a particular person with them. You showed up and played a role in that relationship with an identity. With dreams, with hopes, with a personality, with maybe adaptation to your personality to have to stay in a relationship with somebody.

And when you break up suddenly, you're grieving the loss of who you were. And you're in this identity crisis and there's a shift inside of you. There's a void. And sometimes that void is I'm craving what was familiar versus sitting in the discomfort of feeling lonely and alone. And not sometimes being able to recognize that you were with somebody.

and you might have had company but you were very much lonely and now when you walk away you're sitting in feeling very alone there's room, there's time for thinking but it's being conscious to recognize I'm not lonely I'm not lonely as a heel because I'm full of myself I'm full of my emotions, full of my thoughts I'm present to my heart, I'm wanting

to leave my mind and come back and sit in this beautiful heart and align with this beautiful instinct that I have in my gut. I want to come back to the true sense of myself. And that had been my experience where up until last week I realized there was a void that I was feeling from having walked away from such a long marriage and

that void normally used to be really busy. It was busy with doing, was busy before with fixing something or crying from something or trying not to be something and suddenly in the four month period my void was growing and there was no chaos filling my void.

And so last week I sat and probably had the most uncomfortable Friday I've ever had. I felt during the day, like, you know, when you go to bed and you cannot sleep and you roll from side to side to side to side, that's how I felt being physically awake, doing daily activities. I was so unsettled until I had to take a pause in my day and ask myself, what am I feeling? And then I had

the most incredible four minute cry of my life. And after the four minute cry, I probably cried two more minutes. I got it all out. I was so kind to myself. I was so tender to my emotions and my tears. And then I asked myself, what do you need? And it was, I just need a hug. And so I gave myself the biggest hug.

which scientifically is proven when you hug yourself, it almost feels like someone else is hugging you. So you can rock and hug yourself for two minutes and it's so soothing and it's so beautiful. But the real two minutes. And then after that, I journaled for just maybe a quarter of a paragraph. And in the journaling, I realized, my God, there has been a void growing inside of me.

and there's been no chaos filling it because I'm safe in my nervous system and I'm feeling better about where I am. And the first thought to fill the void was to call

the person I'm separated from and look for validation and reassurance. The pain I sat in last Friday was so extremely uncomfortable that I rather have gone and put a bandaid with a past action I used to. The past action before was to go up to them, to talk to them, maybe be like, why are we fighting? We need to talk. Something that would have happened before that

would have numbed out the addiction I had to the chaos and the addiction I had to the low because when you feel low you go look for the high in the other person you don't sit with the low and find the new high in your nervous system there's always external validation and validation being negative too coming into your world and so when this void just sat empty

It was the most profound awakening I had into my heart and my soul. Because I was so honest with myself about how unbelievable it can be to be addicted to chaos. And that in four months of being away, it was unbelievable that when I was coming out of the numbness and starting to feel pain,

I was looking for a different kind of fix. And I said to myself, I'm not calling anyone. I'm going to sit in this pain. I'm going to sit in this discomfort because if I sit in this pain and if I sit in this discomfort, only then will I know that I can break some really crazy tough cycles. And the more that I break those tough cycles, the more I'm rewiring my mind and my body.

to a new way of being, thinking and acting. Exactly what Dr. Joe Dispenser says.

And I did it. I didn't reach out for the chocolate. I did not distract. I was incredibly patient to what I was feeling and going through. I was so tenderly kind to myself. And as the feelings passed, I realized I'm looking for some sort of awakening within myself or

awakening within me is happening and it is calling for me to be in touch and be attuned and reach deep into myself for answers for gratitude and trust that I can grieve and I now have the ability to know that I can do it in such a safe environment

and the grief now is not instilled by anybody. It's a feeling of heartbreak that has to pause.

I realized we also go through heartbreak with a thousand paper cuts as well. And then when you walk away from a relationship or somebody lets you go or somebody cheats on you, suddenly

all those paper cuts it's almost like you went and stood in salt water and your heartbreak went

it just explodes in pain.

And so they say death by a thousand paper cuts. I feel we get reignited by a thousand heartbreak cuts. Because I have realized that a lot of people will say, you will get through it. You know, like all the videos I'm watching is how to get, how not to break in a heartbreak, how to get over a heartbreak. And I'm thinking, why are we trying to get over this?

This is a part of the healing. This is a part of your story right now. This is the chapter that's here to stay for now. This heartbreak is going to be something you're going to experience for the rest of your life because as you look back at it, it just might not be so heavy and hurt, but it's always going to be a lesson in your life. You're always going to learn.

from what you've gone through in this heartbreak, you carry it always. And maybe in the future you look back at the heartbreak and it won't be filled with anger and sadness. There'll be a tenderness, a tenderness and a warmth and a love to the person that caused you the heartbreak. Because that's what happens as you consciously heal. Because it's the biggest thing I realized is time doesn't heal anything, but healing with time is what

heals everything.

time were probably put to bed, you experiencing different levels of pain.

But the pain will stay until it's experienced and passed and processed and your body allows it to leave. It's not tucked away and stored somewhere deep in your psyche and your body. And I think there's a beautiful bravery to the heartbreak that we go through. And I am not romanticizing heartbreak, but I can tell you as someone who's going through it,

I feel like heartbreak.

is this unbelievable portal into probably you finding your highest self.

I feel if you go through heartbreak without numbing yourself, getting under somebody, being addicted to something, or avoiding how you feel altogether, I feel that heartbreak will probably bring you to your knees to surrender to how powerful love can be.

because you are so lucky to have loved to experience that level of heartbreak. To me it means you're alive, to me it means you're a lover, to me it means you have so much to give and relationships shouldn't be something you close off and you never consider again.

It just means you got educated on your wounds. You got educated on the triggers that live inside of you. You got educated, as Tara Stewart says, on attracting somebody at your psychological wound. Do you realize that when you go through heartbreak and you were working on yourself, you probably had wounds that were starting to close up now?

And so there was no more room to stay in that relationship anymore because you were outgrowing it.

You now need to be placed into such a beautiful environment so you can thrive. And sometimes that environment is going within and sorting out the internal mess that's within you. Not dealing with the external mess and chaos that this breakup could have left you in.

Part of letting go is letting in. Going deep within you to see what parts of me can I be brave enough to see tolerated this? What parts of me can I be brave enough to see?

were so low on self-worth that I didn't feel worthy of being in a healthier, better relationship. What part of me was not healthy that was in an unhealthy relationship? And then what part of me is healing and understanding the levels of healthiness and boundaries and voice and community?

and waking up in a safe environment and no screaming and no shouting. And what part of me now understands that I deserve peace. And I'm probably going to go and have the most amazing relationship and discover myself.

Because I know that as we heal and we take time out from relationships and we really take time out at your pace to not jump into something else. Not jump into something else because you know that you don't need that relationship to fill you. You don't need somebody else to numb out the pain. You're getting into a relationship now because you know what? I would love to love someone and I'd love to be loved too. But then being very open

to the fact that we never fully heal and someone else is going to come and trigger some new wounds within you. But hopefully this time we're in a place where now you pick somebody who picks you back because you understand from your first heartbreak what it felt like to not have someone pick you. What it feels like now to be in a relationship with someone that's more secure, that's more safe.

that feels you are worthy of their time and their love and their attention, that you are so worthy of them putting the time into the relationship because they want to see it thrive and grow. And your heartbreak, ultimately, when you do it right, leads you to more secure attachment style. Because you go into yourself and you're probably healing

fearful avoidant attachment or if you're working on yourself as a dismissive avoidant and you're going through leaning into the discomfort of the emotions and it doesn't feel so great to feel all these things but you've probably lost your family or someone walked away from you and you want to win them back and you say I'm gonna go through this heartbreak and learn how to be more secure so maybe I can get my family back or I can become a better version of myself

not only for me in my body, but for me in society with the vibration that I will give out when I'm a better human being, when I'm more aware of my wounding and I'm more conscious to my reactivity and the things that hurt me. And then I'm more conscious to the fact that the things that are stemming inside of me

are the things that I will portray and attract in my outer world. So if I'm attracting friendships or bosses or people around me now that are more grounded, are more understanding, are more secure, wow, then I probably woke away from a relationship and while I might not have even felt I was doing all this crazy work, I'm healing somewhere. I might not consciously be waking up every single day and journaling on time and sitting with my feelings and

going for this perfect walk, but I am conscious to where are my emotions? What am I feeling? I'm a little numb. I need to work with my nervous system. Does my nervous system have the ability to deal with some hard hitting factual emotions? Does my nervous system need to go for a walk? Does my nervous system need a banging run or to just go and box something out of it? And sometimes just that physical activity creates a shift.

and a vibration inside of us that you can come back so exhausted and then just release more emotion with it. There's so many beautiful ways to somatically heal. But if you are in a place right now and you are looking for an answer, you want to just know how to handle this heartache. I learned something so beautiful from Tara Stewart and she says, take your hands.

If you're not watching this and you're just listening to this episode you just take your hands and you put them across your forehead so like you can almost lean your head into your forehead and You just sort of have your hands here and ask yourself the question What is the question that you have about this person or how you're feeling right now? What do you need to mentally or logically know?

about the situation that you're in. And I just want you to literally take a minute out. And you can do it right now. Let's do it together. So put your hands on your head and just take this minute out and ask yourself this question and trust that your powerful mind

And I like to just walk back and forth a little bit when I do this exercise. It's entirely up to you, but I just find it so soothing. And then you can stop and write down the answer that you got. And then after you write down the answer that you have, I want you to take your hands and just put them over your heart. And I want you to ask the same question to your heart now.

And Jesse, what do I emotionally need to know about the question that you have?

and then I want you to stop and write that answer down. And then I want you to take your hands and put them on your belly button. And I want you to ask yourself, what intuitively is the answer? Because my hands are my gut. My gut is where all my intuition is. What intuitively is the answer to the question?

you can pause and can write it down

And what Tara Stewart teaches is if they're not aligned, what your mind, your heart, and your intuition want, if they're not aligned, then you know you have some work to do. But if they're aligned to the decision you have to make in your journey, then you know, yay, I'm on the right path.

So sometimes just taking a moment to connect to the different parts of ourselves is so powerful. And that's what I've loved with going through heartbreak. In the beginning is dark and it's dark because heartbreak plants you. Heartbreak plants you into the soil and it leaves you there on your own.

And then heartbreak feels like when you come up for some air, you recognize it's winter.

and you realize in this winter season I'm shivering, I'm cold, it doesn't feel like I can bloom. I don't even understand if my roots are planted where they need to be planted. And winter is probably the hardest season you can go through in heartbreak because nothing feels fruitful. Nothing's blooming.

And then, after that, comes summer. And in summer, with heartbreak, you start to get fragrances and you open up in a way you never thought possible. And this could take some people three months, it could take some people six months, it could take some people two years. I think everyone's healing heartbreak journey is their own.

But how do you let go of somebody that you truly loved? How do you let go of someone you love?

by first understanding if someone doesn't want to be with you, thank God they have the courage to tell you because don't you deserve to be with someone that values you and loves you and wants to give you everything? And if you're the person that had to make the hard decision to leave, then aren't you so glad that you're the person that was strong enough

to really come back into your home and your essence and know that you deserve to heal. And in healing, you deserved a beautiful, true love and from yourself first. You deserve to recognize who you were. You deserve to step into your self-worth. You deserve to own your mind, your voice, and your body again. You deserve to take your energy back.

how lucky that you're in a season of your life where you get to touch base with who you are again, because you've changed in so many ways. And when we're in relationships, we're go, go, go. Unless we're in really healthy relationships with someone who wants to sit and reflect and rediscover who we are.

You know, every three months or six months as a couple, you keep aligning weekly, you're on the same page. But when you come out of a relationship where you don't even know who you are anymore, you're unrecognizable because of the shame for the things you felt you had to do and who you had to be in that relationship. Letting go of all those different parts of you. Letting go of...

The version of you that feels safe enough to be put to bed. The inner child in you that knows that the adult is now shown up and is in charge. How powerful it is to know that you are letting go of...

a whole book that was written.

and you're able to let go and trust and surrender to the uncertainty because there's no certainty in life everything's evolving and changing there's no certainty someone will never hurt you break your trust and love you forever there's no certainty even when you stand at that altar together there's no certainty

And so when you let go of a version of yourself that was attached to that version of that relationship, it can feel really hard because it needs to be replaced with a new version of you. But it does need to be replaced with an equal version of you. It needs to just start being replaced with the version of you that's growing and will grow into the room, the gap, and the void that was created by the identity, the person, and who you were that needed to be put to rest.

So, in this period, you are being called to look within and awaken.

You are being called to get in touch with the deepest parts of yourself that you no longer want to tolerate. You are getting called to know who you are again. After breakup, if I asked you, what are your needs? Who are you? What will you tolerate and not tolerate? You'd probably discuss your old relationship.

but you're not discussing the new self. You're not discussing the new visions. You're not discussing the new excited emotions you do want to experience. Here's a chance to grow in your career. Here's a chance to grow with the hobby. Here is a chance for you to finally make some new friends. Here's a chance for you to maybe look at the person that hurt you so much in a way of knowing

You outgrew their wounds and you've outgrown your wound to be attached to them.

That's brave. It's brave to choose yourself and go through the heartache multiple times in a relationship when you were fighting to make it work. And it's really brave to pause and realize, I didn't like that version of myself. That version of myself had to do things to get love, had to people please to get love, was terrified.

rock the boat was scared to walk on eggshells but the real me now this person is graceful with her time and her energy and her kindness

So I wanted to talk on this podcast, not about on this episode, not about the typical pains we go through in heartbreak, but to just talk about it from a sense where when we break up with that person, we might be breaking into ourselves spiritually. We might be trying to find a voice and a home.

of who we are on the inside, the newer version of ourselves. And I've had so many people reach out from the last episode where I talked about leaving a trauma-bonded relationship and so many people turned around and said, I really related to that. I could see how many patterns I had in not wanting to walk away and how much pain I had in staying in a trauma-bonded relationship and being addicted to it.

and how hard it's been to walk away. How hard it's been to start all over again. And I'm there thinking, wow, do you realize how powerful you are to make some hard decisions you never thought you could have made? You are probably the person that was mocked for being so cute and so innocent and so naive and maybe even just a little weak. But here you are choosing yourself. Here you are.

breaking the next generation, forcing the next generation to find their self-worth and not stay in situations so long. It takes a boldness to go through that kind of heartache, I think, of losing a love that you so desperately wanted to work out.

And so if you are or you have gone through the many heartbreak paper cuts and you're on the other side of a massive void, I just encourage you to really tap in this time and see what in my stillness could I create? What versions of me have lay inside of me that couldn't come out in that relationship?

What hungry versions of me exist? What hungry versions of me need to be spoken, need to be shared, need to be explored? What parts of me in my darkness and my femininity and my masculinity needs to shine or be put to bed? What parts of me have been masculine and need to take rest and the feminine inside of me?

needs to flourish and come out. There's so many different parts of you that are awakening right now. And I watched a lady, I just have forgotten her name, and she was talking about depression to Lewis Howes, and she says, depression is a portal into awakening. And I resonated with that so much because I realized with where I am in my journey right now, I'm hungry.

to awaken inside. I feel like you know those those little things that you flip inside out when you flip a cake in those silicon molds and you can just flip them inside out. That's what I feel I'm going through. It's like you're just shedding this

version of you, but not externally internally. It's internally externally. You're shedding a part of yourself internally because you know you want to grow into greatness and part of that process is sadness that comes with it. Part of that process is the anger. Part of the process is the uncertainty. Part of the process is not knowing. Part of that process is the pain.

the loneliness, the wonder, the confusion, all a mixture of emotions that when put together and processed the right way, give you an opening into a new chapter in your life that you get to start now. Your breakup was the closing of an old book.

And your coming together and finding yourself is a brand new book. Cause you're not with this person anymore.

You need to be able to see the kind of people you might be attracting into your life right now. And it's such a beautiful indicator of the wounds you still need to keep healing within you. And when you start to then actually see you have more secure people around you, it gets even more exciting because you realize you're doing the work. And when you attract maybe more avoidantly attached people, you can hold ground, space and boundaries in those environments. Now you don't.

cower to having to be seen and loved if you do something for people. You outgrow the people pleasing. You outgrow the need to be in environments where you know you're not welcome but you were a part of them because it made everyone else's life easy. There's so many different levels to heartbreak and breaking up with somebody. You're breaking up with your character. You're breaking up with

shifts in yourself, you're breaking up with an addiction you could have had to this person, and you're breaking into brand new versions of yourself. So just be so kind to yourself. If you're experiencing pain, even if it's with a friendship, just know that maybe I'm experiencing this pain because there's a part of me that just is ready to outgrow

the fact that I put myself in these situations that cause pain. Maybe I'm just ready to not be in environments that I don't have to be in anymore because now I have a voice and I can make decisions and choose.

And if you do feel like listening to a podcast, that's a mother and son podcast, two different generations, two different ages, two different perspectives. My son and I have a podcast called the Perspective Podcast GS. It's on YouTube, the Perspective Podcast on Spotify. And we've both been so open about healing. We've both been so open about depression. We've both been so open about numbness.

what's on the other side of doing hard things together. But I just want you, when we get off this podcast, I would love if you grabbed a pen and a paper and I'd love for you to write about what heartbreak means to you and who you were prior to going through this heartbreak and who you are in the heartbreak or who you are after this heartbreak.

What versions of yourself have you not paused to think about because we never stopped to think about the wins. We're always ready to think about what didn't work. What has worked for you? What has opened up for you? How are you feeling now that you're not in that relationship? And even if you're in the midst of the tears, the darkness, the I don't know, that's okay. Just sit with it.

I was there and on this side I can tell you that it will pass and don't rush it. Do it at your pace. Do it where you feel happy, you feel comfortable and you feel at ease with yourself. Take your time. You don't have to get over heartbreak fast. It's not a six day thing.

But the one thing I would encourage you while you're going through this heartbreak is detox, detach from any communication unless you're co-parenting. If you can detach from any sort of communication for 30 days, like Mel Robbins said in her podcast with her daughter when they discussed heartbreak, it's really true because I know on the other side of

not getting in touch with someone, you're almost detoxing them out of your nervous system. You're just having to find new ways to rewire your pain, your validation, your need for reassurance, your need to hear somebody's voice. You're completely building this beautiful bubble around yourself and saying, I'm enough to get me through this and all I need is myself and

good friends or good family and sometimes like a really good tub of ice cream but just be gentle with yourself and you'll start to notice the little parts of you when you do start to heal you will notice you will know when you eat better you will notice when you start to do things that feel better for your body even the small shifts

the new things because you now feel you have the energy to be able to do them. So if you are going through heartbreak, I just want to tell you, it really gets better only when you're present to the heartbreak, only when you don't beat yourself up and you do cry and you do go through the journey that your heartbreak and emotions take you on.

and you're sincere to them and you're present to them and you pay attention to them and if you don't feel like journaling vlog do little videos that will make you feel better

And until next week, you can find me on Instagram at Shazmeen Bank. You can find me on TikTok at Shazmeen underscore bank. You can find me on YouTube at Shazmeen Bank and you can log into the Love Better podcast on Spotify. And I really hope you stay connected and loving yourself better.

because that was the point of this podcast. The more that we learn to love ourselves better, the more we will be able to love others better. Until next week.